I was thinking last night, about the past, the present and the future.
In the past, it was easier for me to spend time with the people I care about the most. In the past, it was easier for me to laugh, to joke, to have fun.
Now, it just seems to be getting harder. If I could put what I am feeling onto a piece of paper... its not so much words, but the same image keeps coming to my head.
I see her, my friend, standing there. A smile on her face, an arm outstretched and she's ready to go. Ready to have fun. Ready to hang out, just like we always have, just like I hoped we would always be able to. But now... that image has altered. I still see her, but its not only her now. In the background there's a figure... and as I look harder I realize who that figure is. Her boyfriend. He's hunched over, a frown on his face and his eyes are on me. He's slightly turned away, hair in his face. All I want to do is hurt him... whether I push him, punch him, kick him... what ever I can do to make him go away. He's sending me a message, like he's expecting me to leave. Expecting me to make room for him so he can have her all to herself.
I know I keep saying nothing's wrong, that nothing's bothering me. I know I keep saying we'll talk, I'll get over it... etc. etc.... but the hard truth is I can't.
Now I'm thinking of the future. Five years from now. I want to see if you remember our conversations... about how you would come live with me in Chicago. How we would go to school together and how we would be together as friends, always. But now I just see me. Me, living alone in my Chicago apartment. No friends and hardly any contact with my family.
Where do I see my friends? Well, one, I see being herself. Carrying on her life as she is now. Another, I see going to college, doing what she wants to do.
But her, the one in my picture.... She's with him.
She still is... she forever will be.
Now I know I can't predict the future, but right now... that's what I see... that's what I will forever see.
That image will never leave my mind. I want so badly to return to the way things were... when I was able to talk to you about things... when I was able to laugh with you, but now it hurts. I hesitate every time I talk to you. I don't want to walk with you to your classes or your locker... because I know he's there. Watching, waiting... and expecting me to leave.
