No one needs me or wants me anymore. I don't think anyone ever really did in the first place.

She probably looked at her phone, thought it was her boyfriend, rolled her eyes and forgot I was there again.

No energy

I'm so tired.
I have no way else to describe how I feel toward this entire situation other than "I give up".

I really don't have the energy to deal with the whole "I'm ignoring you for my boyfriend because you're just my last resort" thing again. I really don't.



I really do care about her and I do love her and she is one of my best friends, in spite of distance, but I just can't. I really really can't. I don't want  to lose her, and I bet if I wait for their relationship to go down the shitter then things will go back to the way they were. I don't want to keep going through this pattern because it makes me feel horrible.

It actually makes me feel really fucking worthless because when she isn't with someone, she's depressed all the time and nothing I say makes her feel better. It works the exact opposite with me. Sometimes I just want to hear things will be okay from her but I don't get it very often.

The fact we live so far apart really kills me because the fact I can't tell what shes really thinking bothers me beyond all human comprehension.

I'll ask her if I did something wrong, and its "No! You're fine baby!" but how do I know what thats what she really means? How do I not know she's going "Wow this fucking bitch is retarded and can't figure out what she did" at the keyboard instead?


I'll ask her if I'm annoying her or bothering her with my texting and stuff and she always says "No, I was busy" (which is pretty much a yes) or "No, I forgot to charge my phone" or "No, baby, it's okay <3 I'm sorry I didn't answer" How do I know she doesn't want to just turn her phone off and ignore me for the rest of her life?

I'll ask her if shes okay and she always tells me she is but I know her better than that, and I know shes not.

I really can't stand it. I don't want to be lied to, especially about things like that. I want to be told that I need to stop so I do. Its even worse when I ask her things and she says "I love you alot but sometimes I want to punch you in the face". I think that was probably one of the worst things I have ever been told. I know she didn't mean for it to hurt but it really did. I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel like that. Ever.


Sometimes I kind of hate how attached I am now because I feel creepy as fuck, and the fact we barely talk now depresses me beyond all human comprehension. Sometimes I want to tell her that I get depressed to the point I sleep in the school bathroom instead of go to lunch, or that I don't get any sleep because I'm crying or thinking about other things rather than sleep. I mean fuck, graduations tomorrow and instead of getting my clothes ready I'm sitting here talking about this.

But I don't want to sound like a lunatic. I really don't. When I talk to her I feel better anyway. There's a little spark of hope that maybe we'll actually talk about something, or that she might talk to me the next day but I'm always left disappointed. I don't I shouldn't expect anything, but I don't. I just hope, and lately, hope has been the biggest disappointment of all.

People wonder why I am the way I am, and this is exactly why. Everyone is so quick to leave I can't stand it. I don't want to even think about getting married or having a relationship and things like this are the biggest leading reasons.

"Hi, I'm leaving you for someone else"
"Wow, I really don't need you after all"
"I like you but you piss me off"

I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to do it anymore.

e__e

First off, if it doesn't bother them then it really shouldn't bother you. I know thats kind of your personality and I guess friends are supposed to be important to you or something but really. If they don't care, then don't bother. Its a waste of time and energy.

Second, if you're going to say she needs to get over the thing with Austin then try and be put in her shoes. Yeah sure, they dated for a few hours but you have to remember that as soon as he broke up with her, he went and asked her sister out. There is a lot more to it than just "he dated me for a day and then we broke up". If it bothers her, then let it. It doesn't affect you, and it doesn't affect Austin. If you were to tell her to get over it, thats similar to telling me that I need to get over the fact that Drew ended up being a girl. Did I want to believe it? No. Did I know before hand? I had a haunch but like I said, I didn't want to. I was in denial. I liked the feeling of having someone and now I've been without it yet again. It actually broke my trust a lot, and even though I know Kou is who she says she is, the fact I can't tell what she's thinking drives me insane. Does she really  like me like she says she does? Who knows. I don't even know, and if she didn't I wouldn't blame her.

Thirdly, if you don't like Krysta then you don't like Krysta. Am I telling you to get over it? No. If you don't like her then you don't like her. Am I going to stop being friends with you because of it? No. Why? Because you are one of my best friends and I won't let that bother me. She has told me that she likes you and would like to be better friends with you and actually really likes your art style, but you haven't given her much of a chance since shes a "hipster" and because she doesn't like Austin. Not everyone in your life is going to get along. Jake and I didn't. She and Austin don't. Me and Demi don't. etc. but the world keeps turning.  Krysta and I have very similar personalities so its easier for me to deal with than you. We make fun of each other, we make fun of Allisan and Kayley and yes we make fun of people we don't know and don't like. So. What. That's our business. We both say terrible things and not care who hears them. Would it fly in the real world? Chances are, no one would care because they would never see us again.

I apologize. I'm sorry I made fun of them today. I do like metal music but a lot of the behavior that comes with it irritates me, i.e. devil horns in public. I do it too, just in the appropriate setting. Them doing that is similar to me writing "HOMESTUCK" across my forehead. I don't like narrow minded people, especially when it comes to music. I don't like a good majority of these new bands, or old new bands, or whatever. But so what? Thats my opinion. You don't like rap, but I'm not going to force it on you. And you do like some rap. I know for a fact you like Eminem. I think your dislike toward Nicki Minaj is hilarious in a weird slightly ironic sense because you like Lady Gaga and I guess you could say they're similar in their clothing but their music is so so so different. Austin hates dubstep, but I don't see you hounding him down either. You have your opinions. I may not agree with you, and I'm just fucking with you about 80 percent of the time. I go over the top and I think our senses of humor are different so there's a lack of communication. Our music tastes really aren't that different. Like I said, I'm just giving you a hard time and I'm sorry.

I do want to be there for you, but you're a person who is really hard to get to talk. I'm always here for you anyway because guess what? It may not seem like it, but I really do care about you. If I didn't I wouldn't ask if you were okay when you're being weird, and I wouldn't still be your friend. I've been really stressed and angry lately, and I know thats not an excuse, but I am really sorry if I hurt you. I don't want graduation to be the end of our friendship and lately it really has been a fear, among others. Will I see you again? Will I ever see Kayley and Krysta after they go to college? Do I really have any friends at all? Am I turning out to be just one gigantic fuck up? The list goes on.

I do enjoy my time with you, and honestly I wish I could have spent more with you at Acen. I think things happened that way just because of timing. If I had the choice to go back I would have. I want to hang out with you more but I feel like I have to beg you to get you to. Sunday ended up being one of the worse days of my life because I felt so undesirable I can't even put it into words. Every time someone cancels plans with me or ignores my text, all those feelings come flooding back. I'm extremely paranoid about what people think about me, and the fact I'm so narcissistic sickens me to no end.

Once again, I'm not going to lose you over this. I'm sorry I made fun of your friends, and apparently by extension, you. 

Social Interaction

I feel like the most undesirable human being in the world. I've barely talked to anyone in the past week or so. I've just been stuck at home and at school. My mom keeps complaining that I'm never home, but even then I'm still at school. Lately I've been staying after to help paint a wall mural for our senior class. So far, thats been the only thing I have been doing.

They cut  my work hours in half so I can't even do that, while they doubled my friends. Shes gone for over half the week, and I can't really complain because it doesn't bother me that much. Its everyone else that is.

Everyone I know lives too far away for me to go get them and I feel bad if they waste their gas to come all the way to my house or to go anywhere at all. One moved closer but lately it feels like I have to beg her to do anything with me. I'm sorry Michaela, but you're probably reading this and you're probably getting mad at me but I guess this is why my blog is called bad ventilation.

At the moment I'm kind of happy because I got over it to an extent. I think everything else that happened after that fact just kind of put me over the edge.

I asked my mom Sunday morning if she wanted to go out to Brunch with me. I offered to pay and drive there. She was basically my last resort because I had literally no one else to do anything with on my one day off. She told me no. I asked her why and she said she didn't want to.

I was done. Not even my own mother wanted to hang out with me. I honestly went to my room and cried for about twenty minutes before I texted my sister and asked her. Even then, I still had to fight with her because she felt bad for leaving her boyfriend at our house by himself even though we do all the time.

I finally got her to go and for a while everything was fine and dandy. I went and got some plants and gardened for a bit but it just resulted in me being very tired and gave me too much time for me and myself.

Everything that I had been thinking for the past month or so just came flooding back. I took a shower, skipped dinner and went to bed. It was only about 8 o clock but I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4.

During that time I was talking to my friend in Virginia... or at least trying to. I was bawling for a good two hours and even though she kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong or that no one hated me whatever I still felt like shit.

She was posting on tumblr about how her mind was being insensitive or something and its still making me feel like crap even though its almost Wednesday now. The fact I'm still thinking about Sunday in general is making me hate myself.

I just feel like I'm bothering her far too much with my problems and its starting to make me feel completely useless. Just right now, using the word "I" and "me" is driving me up the wall. Its like, I'm just complaining about my problems but I'm not getting anywhere. I tried to ask her about her day or how she was feeling but she just blew it off and started asking questions and trying to reassure me. For some reason, THAT was bothering me more than the fact I hadn't talked to her in like... four days and the only way I could get her to was to ask her if I did something wrong.

I still feel like I did.
I still feel like I'm still doing something wrong.

I try to talk to her, but she said she hasn't been using her phone lately and I feel like its a complete and utter lie. The fact we live so far apart makes me the most insecure person in the world. The face that I can't see her say it makes it hard for me to trust her even though she said she wants me to.

I'm fully confident she is who she says she is because of various things but I still can't. Part of it is because she said she won't leave me, and that she won't forget about me, but every time she has a love interest its like I don't exist anymore. She starts talking about him all the time, and she'll tell me shes busy but then post about how awesome of a day she had with said love interest.

I can't say anything either because I live here. It would be like me telling her to fuck her social life and continue to sit inside all day.

She says shes happy and it makes me glad but at the same time I want some sort of attention.

And you know what's going through my mind right now?

I'm telling myself that I need to get over it because I'm just from the internet. I'm telling myself I live 700 miles away and that what I say won't ever amount to what her real-life friends say.

I'm telling myself I'm useless and that I'll only be needed when she doesn't have them. I'm telling myself I'm a second choice and a last resort. I'm telling myself I need to take a back seat and stop acting like I can do everything.


I hate these feelings. I hate them so fucking much but I don't feel like there's a way for me to forget them.

If I told these to her she would probably tell me I'm okay and that I'm her best friend and that she loves me and I've done so much for her.

I want to accept that and just take it while I can but I can't. My mind won't let me because I can't even trust the people I know in real life. I can't trust my own parents or my mom or dad. I don't know why. I just want to so I can feel at peace again, whether they are trustworthy or not. I just want to be happy again or at least content with the way things are but its like.. physically impossible.

I hate feeling this way. Words can't even describe how much I hate. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be someone normal and functional.