I can already tell Jenny's been talking to you... Again. Because I try to get her to understand where I'm coming from, and this is what she does. She tells you. No. I don't believe what Marisa said. I never believe what she says.
I can't accept the fact that everything you do has something to do with Jake, and I never will. I tried to several times, and I still can't. I have for the past few weeks, and this is where it got me. Friday was my snap, and once again, I'll probably just go back to pretending that I am actually enjoying myself.
I didn't know you had such a problem with talking to me. I asked you one day out of the week that you would at least spend SOME time with me, since we never do anymore. Once again, Friday was my snapping point.
And it wasn't just the art room dilemma that was bothering me.
It was that
Lunch
Sten in general
Weekends
Breaks
Phone
Internet
Everything else you could think of.
The reason you get the comments is because everyone else can see what he has done in the past, and no one forgets about the crap he pulled constantly. Thats a fact you'll have to accept and get used to. And no, its not my fault. If everyone says it, since according to you they do, then no. Its not my fault. I've talked to Lexi (She's in Germany now, so I doubt its her), Jess (Only person who I can even trust anymore and doesn't give me bullshit excuses when I ask for help), Lindsey and people on the god damn internet. Yeah, sounds like utter bullshit but its true. However, my efforts continue to prove as useless. Not my fault I don't have anyone to talk to anymore because I can't trust anyone.
The only reason I tell Kiba and Drew is because they're the only ones who will listen anymore, and right now, they're at the point where they could give a shit too.
I can't deny that. I have changed. I've changed into a useless, bullshit person who can't do anything to save herself or her friends because they all could care less.
You've changed. You say a little, but its not. In my eyes, you've changed so much its not even to be joked about. And sure, it may seem like a little, but a little in a short amount of time is a lot. You want to know why I've snapped? Because of that. Why I have snapped so many times in the past? Same reason. You've changed a little at a time, but like I said recently, little things all balled into one just get meshed together as one huge thing, and it back fires.
And once again, back to Marisa. No. I don't believe her. She said it, it bothered me and made me wonder if it were true since we never talk about anything anymore, but I doubt it. I could never see you doing anything like that. You know as well as I do, you aren't stupid. The only thing that bothers me.. You're nice. You've said it in the past, too nice. I don't want you to be taken advantage of because of that. And sure, you can say he wouldn't but you would be surprised what goes on in a man's mind. Also, that's not coming from me. A girl who can't trust a man if her life depended on it, it comes from men and married women. Not just my parents, by the way. Not that they even care anymore either.
Your shit. No. Those where my mother's words, not mine, so don't even get mad at me for that. It is my shit because everything she said was directed toward me, she just didn't say it up front.
She's sick of me, just like everyone else at this god forsaken school.
I don't want to fight anymore. I said that before. Once again, efforts are useless. Just like they always were. I can't ever shut my mouth, because as you know, I'm the shittiest person on the face of this earth.
Blame everything on me. Just like my parents tell me about everything, its always my fault. I just wonder why now I'm supposed to blame everything on myself when before even the mere mention got me a verbal assult. Because I've just changed so much, right?
You're my best friend. I would like to keep it that way, things are just in the way. My attitude, my bitchyness etc.. I'm just a hated, changed person and we all know that now.
I don't like turning things against you. Thats just how my mind works. Everything has a double meaning and I'm just stupid enough to take the bad one.
You know, I've always been willing to talk to you. Its you who needs to be willing. I want to talk to you, I would love for things to go back to the way they were but they won't now. Not for a while, is what it seems like. We need to talk, and you know we do. I was going to ask you to this weekend while you're at your dad's but... Who knows if you'll even touch Aim. Can't talk to you half the time on Wolfhome because you're *cough* "busy" and you don't go on anything else that allows large amounts of text.
Can't talk to you on the phone, you don't answer.
And yes, there is always something to said about Jake. Whether I say it, or someone else does. You don't talk to me about him and I appreciate that. You aren't the stereotypical obsessed and desperate girlfriend. Once again, I appreciate that. I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to have anything to do with him. Plain and simple.
I was going to tell you this verbally or in writing. I hadn't decided yet because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Obviously, you got to the blog first and now I am writing here. Chances are you will probably never see this.
