Merry Christmas

So yeah
Its a little late but I don't really care.
My Christmas sucked hairy monkey balls.
I sat in my room and screamed at my mom because she wouldn't shut her fucking face.
Thats kind of the way it's been since like, two months ago.

Work is a pain in my arse, considering my manager doesn't know what she's doing.
I don't really talk to any of my friends.
And my room smells strongly of tacos >_>
I'm also finding its probably going to be impossible to get my grades to go up.
I want to talk to my teachers about it, but I have the feeling I know what they'll say...

"Too bad"
"You should have seen me during sten"
"I wasn't teaching for that portion of the class"
etc. etc.

They'll come up with every excuse NOT to help me...
Thats what they always do.
Dude whatever.
I give the fuck up, its not like I'm going to get anywhere in life anyway.

Okay so...

My life officially sucks.
My dad was put back into the hospital because he wasn't taking his medicine, refused to eat and said he was going to kill himself.
My mom had to call the cops because thats why his psyche doctor told her to do, so I woke up and heard someone talking outside my house. I guess it was them. They took my dad and he was admitted back into the hospital.
The night before that he wouldn't leave my mom alone about the money we have, so she got fed up and my uncle had to come over to get him to shut up and go to sleep.
I ended up bawling my eyes out over the phone to my grandma because... I don't know. I just don't think I can really deal with this anymore
She said I needed to talk to people more because ever since this accident happened all I've been doing is pretending everything's okay, but its not. I don't want to put anymore stress on my mom and I just really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My friend in Virginia is one thing, but sometimes I just feel like I need a hug or something and no one's there to give it to me.
I don't really want to deal with people anymore. I just want to stay locked up in my room for the rest of my life or until this stage in my life passes, but its not an option.
Maybe I'll find some sort of outlet, but I don't really know where to go anymore.

Failure.

OKay so, a few posts back I posted some pictures that obviously didn't want to work.
Instead, I'll repost them but this time they'll be in sequence since August, when I started using the tablet.

I'm surprised how much I have actually developed over the past few months ._. All from tutorials and... yeah...

For the first time I used it I basically sucked. All I really did was sketches... oh, and I hardly knew how to use the thing lol.

I got onto doing more  detailed things and this is how they started to look. Still shitty, but whatever.

This is Ryohei. I started to draw him when I was like "HEY, LETS DO SOMETHING BIG WITH A TABLET." I seriously put everything off for like... two weeks until I finished this lol x_x

After I drew Ryohei I decided to better my skills and look up a shit ton of tutorials. This is Mizuki, and for a project in my class I had to try doing something I've never done before. So, I started to do some digital paintings failures. This was the first attempt after Ryohei. They'll all eventually be about a four page+ book of my characters and their information.

And finally, we have Dionysus. I actually kind of like how he turned out but I'm going to have to work on clothes. They look so awkward and not right har har har

Jesus

Sten
I feel like I should be something productive but I don't have to ._.

brb throwing up

I feel so gross
My nose is like "LOLSUCKSTOBEYOU"
and my stomach is like "With the slightest move, I will evacuate every ounce of food you have eaten in the last 24 hours."
And my throat is like "Drink something"
But I'm too lazy D;
I just woke up and my mom came downstairs to make sure I was still alive ._.

Wouldn't it be nice

Wouldn't it be nice if I could do what I am supposed to in Graphics?
Oh but I can't.
Wonderful.
Fucking, Wonderful.

The Tablet is my Best Friend

oh yah bb
This is mine
You take it, I'll kill you in your sleep.
I'm seriously buying a tablet ._.

I also did:

and

once again, they're all mine.

Graphics

So I went on a field trip today.
I actually found it generally interesting, even though it was just a guy talking the entire time.
I think its because I take an interest in machines like the ones I saw, and I would love to work with them one day.
It also made me think about what I want to do for my future.
I would like to go into Graphic Design, but the man suggested that we take a second field as a sort of back-up plan. What he said made sense though, because it meant that I would be able to provide more for the company if I did. I think I might go into either some sort of journalism, management, or engineering... I don't know. The future just looks so dim for me.


I'm not really sure what to say... basically because I don't really get it anymore.
I think I've kind of given up on everything, or maybe I'm just avoiding the situation.
For me, "the group" are the dumbshit freshmen and sophomores that I had to give my seat up to make happy.
And you know just as well as I do that they are drama loving females that had no where else to go.
I don't really know if people like me or not, but I honestly don't feel like they do.
I've felt like that since the end of freshman year. At that point I sort of decided "Hey, I'm going to find out where I fit in instead of torturing myself."
Because of the things that happened in the past, I no longer feel accepted into that group. I always feel awkward being around them. Kind of like everything I say or do is automatically ridiculed because I don't think the same way they do.

And you know what? I said that because that's the way I feel.
All I do during lunch is freeze my ass off, text, draw, and sometimes talk to Kayley.
I can't decide if I like it or not... I would rather be with my friends, and when it comes time for it to snow I don't know where I'm going to go.

At this point, I would love for things to be fixed.
I tried my best at doing so by keeping quiet and stop asking you to hang out because I just feel like I forced you to.
I decided it was time I let you do whatever it is you wanted to do.
I decided that I needed to accept the fact you're dating Jake.
Even though I don't like him, and even though I don't like the whole idea of it.
I still decided it because I wanted you to be happy, and you seemed fine with that whole ordeal even though I felt left out and neglected.
I don't want to give up, but I don't feel like either of us are putting forth enough effort to actually fix things.
I think the main factor to that is because neither of us are considering each other's feelings when it comes to this.
I don't really know what to do, other than continue to wait.
I won't give up, but I'm not going to force you to do something.
I don't like feeling like crying every day either.
I don't like driving past somewhere and me thinking about you and I and having to hold back tears.
For all I know, you'll probably think this is all excuses by /shrugs I don't really know.

Uhg.

I feel like I've been using this title a lot... I think its cause thats how I feel lately.
I just got into it with another friend, and to be honest... I don't care.
And quite frankly, I don't think they care much either SOOO I'll just drop them all like flies and go.. Idek freeze to death, since I do everyday anyway.

My bus is the anti christ.
Walking for Wellness isn't that bad. Thats where the rainbow raptors came from.
Lunch is fucking torture. I CAN'T WAIT TILL IT SNOWS CAUSE I'LL GET TO SIT IN THAT <3 :|

Work is lame. I'm fuckin' tired and I have to leave in /checksinvisowatch fifteen minutes.
I want to go to bed, like... now. I get zero sleep lately and I don't know why.
Oh well who cares. Its only a matter of time~

Well, one good thing I can say is that my dad is home, but I think that stresses me out too. Though, its nice to see him home again.

Fucking. Mondays.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I'm so pissed of right now its not even funny.
I curbed my car three times and got lost on the way to and from the mall because my friends don't know how to tell me where to turn.

Then, I get home (finally) and my coffee spilled all over the hood of my fucking car. I threw it against the garage because I didn't want to do it anymore.
Please, fucking kill me.
You'd be doing me, and everyone else, a humongous favor.

Confrimed Gay/Bisexual Jrocker List

http://tanukiwww.livejournal.com/8466.html

Oh yeah, its happenin'.

Original Characters

Click

If you feel like it
Though I don't know anyone who would really taken an interest in it e_e

THIS.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:'. Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.

You: Taemin?

Stranger: what?

You: Taemin?! :C

Stranger: NO

Stranger: NO Taemin

You: N-No? But why?

Stranger: i dont know what the hell taemin is

You: You took him, didn't you.

You: You will pay. I will sick Onew on you like there was no tomorrow.

You: You will regret everything.

Stranger: Nah

You: Yes.

You: HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY TAEMIN AWAY FROM ME

Stranger: ITS MY TAEMIN

Stranger: SO STFU

You: NO GIVE HIM BACK

You: DON'T MAKE ME GET ONEW

Stranger: ILL TAKE ONEW TOO

You: NO

You: HE NEEDS HIS CHICKEN!!!

Stranger: WELL HE CANT HAVE ANY

You: YOU CAN'T DEPRIVE HIM OF HIS CHICKEN

You: WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON ARE YOU

Stranger: SOME PERSON WHO DOESNT LIKE CHICKEN

You: YOU HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON

Stranger: NO

Stranger: YOUR A HORRIBLE PERSON

Stranger: TRYING TO TAKE MY ONEW

You: THEN... THEN I'LL GET KEY. HE DOESN'T LIKE ANYTHING.

You: NO. MINE.

Stranger: MINEEEE

You: MINE

Stranger: NO

You: YES

Stranger: FUCK NO

Stranger: MINE

You: FUCK YES

You: MINE

Stranger: NO CHICKEN EITHER

You: MINE MINE MINE

You: NO SCREW YOU

You: GIVE ONEW HIS CHICKEN

Stranger: ONEW DONT GET NO CHICKEN

Stranger: HE ONLY GETS CELERY

You: NO HE GETS ALL THE CHICKEN HE WANTS

You: HE WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT

You: HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO HIM

Stranger: CELERYYYYYYYYYYY

You: CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

Stranger: TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

You: DDDDDDDDD:<

Stranger: KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!

You: ONEW'S CHICKEN

Stranger: ONEWS CHICKEN SUCKS

You: ONEWS CHICKEN IS BEAUTIFUL

You: THEN HE EATS IT

Stranger: OMG

Stranger: HOW CAN YOU EAT BEAUTIFUL CHICKEN

Stranger: YOU MONSTER!

You: HE CAN EAT IT BECAUSE HIS SMILE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL

Stranger: HIS SMILE IS ALL SNAGGLETOOTHES

You: SO HE CAN EAT BEAUTIFUL CHICKEN WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL TEETH

You: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH NO YOU LIAR

Stranger: SNAGGLE

You: BEAUTIFUL

Stranger: SNAGGLETOOTH

You: B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

Stranger: S

Stranger: N

Stranger: A

Stranger: G

Stranger: G

Stranger: L

Stranger: E

Stranger: T

Stranger: O

Stranger: O

Stranger: T

Stranger: H

You: B

You: E

You: A

You: U

You: T

You: I

You: F

You: U

You: L

Stranger: UGLY AS HELL

You: CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEN

You: NO

Stranger: CELERY

You: CHICKEN

Stranger: CELERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

You: CHICKEN

Stranger: NO

You: YES

Stranger: FUCK NO

You: FUCK YES

Stranger: I CHOOSE PIKACHU

You: I CHOOSE LADY GAGA

Stranger: I CHOOSE MICHAEL JACKSON

You: LADY GAGA USED STRADDLE

Stranger: ITS INEFFECTIVE

You: MICHAEL JACKSONS SPEED DECREASED

Stranger: FUCK NO

You: FUCK YES

You: LADY GAGA USED POKER FACE

Stranger: MICHAEL JACKSON USED MOLEST

You: ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE

Stranger: ALSO FUCK NO

Stranger: BULLSHIT

You: ALSO FUCK YES

You: HOW DID THIS TURN INTO A POKEMON BATTLE

Stranger: BECAUSE I FUCKING WANTED IT TO

You: YOU MONSTER D:<

Stranger: YOU USED FUCKING LADY GAGA

You: BECAUSE SHE'S AWESOME

You: SHES BETTER THAN MICHAEL JACKSON AND PIKACHU COMBIIIIIIIIIIINED

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

This weekend...

I had a four day weekend. It kind of turned into a five because for some reason I was just plain exhausted.
Thursday was pretty chill.
Friday was when things got complicated. My sister and I cleaned for a good five or six hours. When everyone else went to bed, I cleaned for another three.
I was tired, but it made my mom happy.
Saturday was the day of my dad's fundraiser. I went to go get my driver license, which took me two tries. I did it once Friday morning but I really wasn't in the mood to do it so I kind of half-assed everything.
Then we ended up going to the fundraiser. It was okay. I secluded myself from everyone except for a select few. I only had one friend show up out of the five or six I invited. Then again, I'm not surprised. Two of them apologized, but the rest just ignored my existence. What else is new?
So I drove home around seven, even though I was only there for about three hours. There were about 200 people, and I hardly knew any of them. I just couldn't deal with it, so I left.
My friend came over since this was the last weekend I could have them over anymore. We ate some Kringle and java chip icecream, then went on omegle.
I didn't find it as entertaining as them because I really hate being on camera. We did run into a few decent people to talk to but most just wanted to jack off into the camera.
I went to be around 1 am. I didn't get much sleep since everyone else was screaming in the other room.
Sunday, I woke up at eight, took a shower, and drove to work.
It sucked. At least Allisan made me an omelet... it made me feel a little better.
Sunday though, my dad came home for a few hours. It was nice seeing him in  his home again, and he was really happy. The first thing he said to my mom was "Honey, I'm home."
He's coming home permanently on the twelfth.
I didn't even wake up Monday. Mainly from exhaustion and over all loss of motivation. I don't really have a reason to go to school anymore.
With all the events that have happened in the last few months, I just don't want to do anything anymore.
Everyday for me is a struggle and I have to force myself to get through it.
I wish I could move to Virginia or something. Then I might truly be happy.

Huff.

Its not sneaking around.
Whatever it is, you shouldn't have to do it.
I didn't know how to word it.
You haven't done anything wrong.
I'm tired of having to do this over and over again too, that's why I've been changing myself. So we don't have to deal with this anymore.
My real reason for hating him...
And they are pretty consistent. I have the same reasons.
His suicidal whatever, the lying, the obsession... etc. I don't remember if I ever told you, but suicide isn't something I like discussing or hearing about. Someone that was rather close to me did it, and I don't need that threat again.
I had a feeling this would happen since the day he told me he liked you.
Remember when you went through my bookshelves and took out that journal?
Remember me taking it and ripping out three or four pages?
They were from the day he told me that.
I was upset because I knew you would fall for whatever it was he was doing.
If you don't believe me, I still have them.

I don't see how you can't talk about this.
Its not wrong.
I'll give you your time.
When you're ready or whatever then say something.
I'm always willing, and I'm sure I've said that a few times.

Again

Yeah, so I tell people I don't like him.
End of the world, right?
Thats about it.
They ask why, I tell them.
There isn't anything wrong with that.
I've done everything I can to try and ignore the things that bother me.
For the past few months, I've been able to do that.
Jenny does it to piss me off.
Laren and I talk about you, but she makes the jokes when I try to be serious.
I need an outlet too.
Laren doesn't like him.
I don't like him.
What her and I say to each other has nothing to do with Jenny.
Last time I checked, I've said that to two people recently.
Terri and Rachel.
They like him, so what? I told Terri I couldn't talk to her about why and I told Rachel I didn't like him because of what has happened.
That was all.
And yes, I am at my breaking point.
You didn't make your point clear. You didn't listen to what I had to say.
You told me you were sick of me and I hope you're aware of how much that hurts coming from someone who's supposed to be your best friend.

You have changed. And you know what? I can honestly blame myself for that.
I have changed. And I can blame that on as many people as I feel like.
I've become a bitch.
I've been a bitch.
I've become a border line sociopath because I don't want to deal with the type of people I used to. The drama was waaay too much.
I've caused drama, and I admit that. I've been trying to.. fix it isn't the right word. I don't want to do it anymore. I thought that would have been obvious.
I wanted to talk to you about these things, but the longer I wait the better I feel because I think "Well maybe if I don't say anything, we don't have to worry about it anymore."
I guess its my way of running away but I can't really blame myself.

And you sneaking around or however you want to put it...
Sure whatever go hang out with him. I've gotten to the point I really don't care, but it would be nice if I could take more than lunch to talk to you or more than one day out of several months to see you. The last time was Dir En Grey, before that, Despa.
Basically all thats happening is you've hung out with me when other people are around.
So yes, it is confusing.
Because I don't understand how exactly I'm the one who doesn't want you in my life if you can't make one day to stop and say hi or talk to me about something... like... I dunno Oz? To be honest, if you could just do that for once I would be the happiest person alive.

Over the past few months I've done a little introspection and decided half the time I'm making your life a living hell, and I apologize for that.
I wanted to fix things, pretend things don't bother me, and I've gotten to the point that I feel completely numb to the things that used to annoy the shit out of me.
I don't care if you hang out with him
I don't care if you cling to each other all around school while I walk to class alone
I don't care if you talk about him
or love him
or whatever else it is you two do together

I don't care anymore.
I don't think you've been able to... I dunno, pick that up.
If you want to talk about something, then just do it.
If I get mad, thats my own fault. I'll get over it.
If this is how we have to work things out, then fine. We'll do it.
Honestly, I like this because I can get things off my chest but... I don't know.
You said we needed to talk in person. Thats up to you now. I don't care if we do this here or there or anywhere... As long as things are discussed.

Hm.

I didn't know me talking to my mom about what it going on between me and my friends was classified as "talking behind your back"

Just to let you know, I give my shitty sister a hard time no matter who she hangs out with.
You
Him
Janelle
Erin
Alec
CJ
Shanna
Everyone.

So don't feel like you're being singled out because honestly, you're seriously overreacting.
One god damn comment won't kill you. Seriously.
And since you wouldn't let me speak the last time we got into a fight, I thought I would let you know I was pissed because your friend annoys the shit out of me.
She still does and it probably won't change. For now, I'm tolerating it.

I don't want to fight with you. I have my highs and my lows on this entire situation and you know what? I would have to say I HAVE grown up. I have a job. I'm getting my license and I actually have the guts to face reality because right now, I'm stuck with it.
I wish I could return to my fantasy world where everything just seemed peachy. I could listen to music, hang out with my friends, do whatever I want and now I can't.
My dad's holding me back, and my mom wants me to take on the responsibilty of taking care of everyone and everything because at the moment, she can't.

Just to let you know, yeah, I do want to stay friends... but I would figure that YOU of all people, would have figured out that half the shit that comes out of Jenny's mouth is a fucking lie.
You remember that thing with Em and AJ? Yeah. Its the same thing. Only this time, it's with you.
To be honest with you, I'm giving Jenny a hard time because she's my sister. I'm also giving it to her because she's been nothing but a selfish brat since my dad had his accident. She got a fucking rat, she got her nose pierced, and now she's allowed to smoke in the house.
Not only that, half the time, when she's hanging out with you I wish it was me instead.
All I've done since this has happened is lock myself inside. Allisan and Heather ignore my every move, and now you are too. Actually, I think its the other way around. You ignore me. They tried and now they ignore me too.
I've been bothered since a few months before summer, but I haven't said anything. I'm not going to because I don't want to escalate anything further... then again, it'll probably just dig a deeper hole.

I don't really understand why you think I don't want to be your friend when I have been trying for the past few months to get us to hang out, trying to be quiet, not letting things bother me.
I don't understand why you feel like I don't want you in my life because I've tried. I really have.
Everytime I've asked you to  hang out or come do something with me, I get the same answer.
"I don't know if I can"
"I forgot to ask"
"I'm going to be at my dad's house and he said no"

Tell me how that's my fault? I would really love to know...

Right now, you're just confusing the hell out of me. And right now, I'm getting really close to my breaking point.

Halloween

So I think I have never heard the phrase "Herp derp" so many times in my life.
I don't think I ever want to hear it again
That, along with like... fifty other things...
I need to be more conscience of who I see and hang out with e_e

Anyway, so basically my costume turned into like... some... burn victim... thing...

It was cool. I got alot of compliments C:
But my favorite was more of a statement of disgust.
Before I could even say "trick or treat" this chick was like
"OH MY GOD THATS SO GROSS... OH THATS JUST NASTY. UUUHG ITS SO UGLY"
and I just stood there awkwardly as she gave me candy.
Yeeeah.. I laughed. xD

Afterward I pigged out on deep fried food.
It was great... and watched South Park...
Then I went home nad did laundry.

AWESOME notreally.
And now I feel sick from the sugar, lack of... well, real food... and other things.
Basically because right now I feel like crying.
Jesus fuck.

Low... Lower... Lower...

I'm sick of this house. I'm sick of this family. I'm sick of this life.

Leave it to Kaneland

Leave it to Kaneland to force the students to school during Apocolyptic weather.
Seriously.
Flipping trucks
Funnel Clouds
Tornado Sirens (I don't know if you're aware, but that DOES mean stay inside...)
No power
Lightning Strikes
60+ mile per hour winds
Top heavy buses in said wind...
Rain
Down power lines
Exploding Electrical boxes
No ovens
No Fridges
No way of making food
No way of running a class (You know, we do have windows but they don't provide that much light)

This is wrong.
This is so wrong.
Kaneland, what the fuck are you doing? Do you even KNOW how to run a fucking school?
Yeah, feed all the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when half the kids are allergic to peanuts... THAT TOTALLY MAKES THE SITUATION SO MUCH BETTER.
I have never experienced such a lack of communication
I haven't experienced such shitty weather in a while
Seriously... what the fuck is wrong with you and your administration?
Are you upset because your test grades suck?
Are you sad because you like spending money on plasma screen TVs instead of actually fixing something?
Are you crying because your school is in debt because the state supposedly owes you money?
You're retarded.
So FUCKING retarded.

Did you NOT notice the mass amounts of people who were smart and stayed home?
How would you feel if you got caught in the middle of some law suit because you were too dumb to tell the buses "Turn around and bring them home"?
Oh yeah. Really smart. Really fucking smart.

The entire way to school all I could think was "Holy shit. I'm going to fucking die."
And then when I get here, your 100 year old generators have enough power to light up a total of like, ten class rooms.
Cheap ass school. Everything here is a piece of shit because YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING
Yeah sure, tell all the teachers to show a movie...
WITH WHAT ELECTRICITY?
THERE WAS NONE.
RETARDS.
I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT SCHOOL.

/sigh

Last night was the first night I had to work.
It went... swimmingly after I got the hang of things. I still don't know what to do half the time but whatever.
I spent most of the time setting tables and rolling silverware. I didn't mind doing it because it meant I didn't have to talk to many people. I've also proved my manly man-ness and carried a full linen bag up a flight of stairs and across a parking lot... which usually takes about two people to do.

But honestly, I think this is my limit.
I feel like shit.
I'm so tired its not even funny. It might be because it's so last minute... but...
Theres other problems that came along with this that I don't feel like facing right now.
I have to do all this paper work and I don't even have someone here to help me with it.
I need my license so I can actually get there but it didn't happen like it was supposed to because my mom doesn't have my birth certificate (Well, she does... she just doesn't know where it is atm.) or proof of insurance because she doesn't know where the card went.
School is just shit. It makes everything worse than it already is.
Now, I am failing one of my classes and everytime I make something up, I raise the grade but since I have failed practically every test I've taken it just kills me even more.
I'm tired of sitting indoors all day. My friends keep making plans and I feel left out of everything and half the time I don't think they care about anything but themselves.
The start of a new term is tomorrow and the only thing affected for me is my lunch... I'm not even changing. Just the people are. I wish it could just stay the same...
This term is going to suck. I just have the feeling.
I'm PMSing like no fucking tomorrow and I just got it today, which just adds more to my irritation because I'm without the essentials until my mom decides to come home.
Everything is so rushed now I don't even have time to fucking breathe.
I want my dad back and I wish this never happened.
The doctor's said he'd be home within three to four weeks, but he'll have to be under supervision 24/7 which means my psycho grandparents might have to live with us while we're at school and my mom is at work.
They also said he'll probably act differently. I don't know how differently, but I don't know if I can deal with anything else.
And, to add to the stress, my sister is being a royal pain in everyone's asses.
She gets everything she fucking wants, but she does it behind my mom's back and her friends sit there and defend her.
She's just taking advantage of the fact my dad can't say yes or no, and it pisses me off beyond all human comprehension.
My life is turning into a living hell and I don't know how much longer I can really deal with this.

Bleh

So I got a job.
Not sure if want.
I'm going to get my license.
Still not sure if want.
I feel so icky now and I don't know why.
Fuck my life man.

At least I actually turned in something on time in my graphics class.
I guess.

Fuckin' Rage

I'm so angry >:C
I can't do anything now because they took the tablet >:CCCC
/RAAAAAGE
AND I WAS TOTALLY WORKING ON SOMETHING TOO
MOTHERFUCKERIHATEYOU
YOURVOICEANNOYSME
DIIIE

FREE STUFF!? WHO DOESN'T LIKE FREE STUFF?!

AM I RIGHT?

I got loads of it

INCLUDING A TREE
AND PENS
AND PAPER
AND AND AND
BOOKS
AND
....
PAMPHLETS
AND... LOTS OF OTHER THINGS

LIKE POSTERS
PINE SCENTED POSTERS


its awesome
Today was a good day

Graph Expo :o!

The Graph Expo is tomorrow and I am so. excited.
Like, I don't even know why.
I can't see it being too fun.... like, in comparison to Acen or something,

BUT STILL

IT'LL BE FILLED WITH FOREIGN MEN

Did I ever mention my favorite men are foreign?
Accents are hot.


I still have to dress business casual... and I don't know if its a bad thing or not but I had to ask my mom what "business casual" was. xD

/retard

Homecoming

I never realized how vulgar people can be.
I also remembered why I hate dances. :\

They're too boring for me.

I did, however, go see my dad.
He remembered my friend, Allisan.
...'Cept he asked for a rubber band so he could tell what she looked like.
I think he meant picture >_>
But I did get a hug and an 'I love you'

I miss him. I wish he could come home but I think it'll be another month or two before then.

Hate

Fuck fuck fuck fuck
hate hate hate hate
I'm going to fail this class and it isn't even my fault.

GOD DAMNIT THIS WEEK SUCKS.

I feel like offing myself.

/sigh

Its days like these I wonder if life is really worth living.

meh

I don't really know whats wrong with me. I think i'm tired, and my hormones are going crazy (I hate being female), and I'm stressed beyond human comprehension. I wish I didn't already miss a week of school so I could stay home and just ignore the world. That would have been nice. Unfortunately, thats not an option. Even if I did stay home, I would still have siblings to deal with. I should learn to talk to people but I feel like a burden. If I explode, I'm sorry.

*smacks self*

Okay so I just decided I can't take anymore school off.
I'm failing just about every single one of my classes, which is not cool.

This weekend, I will step it up and do all my absent work.
This school week, I need to step it up and try not sleeping during class.

I'm stressed out as fuck. Either this is going to end well, or very very badly.

Uhg.

What a crappy weekend.

Complete with annoyances, hatred, wishful thinking and overall exhaustion.

I officially had a slight break down on Saturday at McDonalds and ended up tossing an entire container of fries across the car because I was having a fit over nothing. I think I'm stressing out just a little too much. I don't think I've hit my complete breaking point yet. I think I'll know what that comes...

I babysat again, and the kids were actually pretty well behaved. I got paid fifty bucks to sleep and sit outside for a little while and watch them play.

Sunday was a little busy... and awkward. I sat in the waiting room for a good eight hours or so on the computer roleplaying and doing homework while some guy I didn't known slept on the couch across the room.

I didn't go to school today, and I'm extremely drained because I managed to catch a cold. Either from my sister or someone else.

I don't plan on going tomorrow because my dad is moving hospitals and no one wants to take me home. I don't really mind. I don't like going places I don't feel welcome.
And right now, I really really hate it there. =___=

So for now, I'm going to sleep in this waiting room and occasionally do my homework.

:D~

Ups for this week:
My dad woke up

Downs for this week:
Everything else.

I love playing pretend.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Mm, the past week or so has had one of each I think.

The good, I saw Dir en Grey last week.

The bad, my dad got into a motorcycle accident.

The ugly, he'll be in a coma for up to three weeks.

Blech.

Third day of school.

So far, its been okay.

I don't have to ride the bus... for now at least since my friend is currently driving me to school.

I have lunch with my prostitute I mean best friend << >>

I have no complaints... I think

And if I do I obviously forgot about that.

BUT BUT BUT BUTBSKJFDS

BEST THING EVER

MY GRAPHICS CLASS

HAS

FUCKING

DRAWING TABLETS /jizzeseverywhere

Loldude

Okay so I haven't posted on this thing in forever
Its been summer, so I think that has something to do with it.
I usually posted during school while I was bored. xDD;

SOOO
Anyway, nothing's really happened. School starts again tomorrow and I saw d'espairsray earlier this month.

I TOUCHED THEM ALL AHAHAHAHAHAFJGKLHJKLHADSFJKDS


-fin

NOT. COOL. GUBLER.

Okay so two nights ago I was sitting, minding my own business on facebook when all of a sudden...

"AMBER YOU'RE GOING TO CRY"

"What?"

I look at my friends cellphone because she got an update from shattered-tranquility.

"Vistlip involved in a car accident"


SERIOUSLY THE MOST INTENSE MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

I seriously flipped the fuck out.

Thank god they're all safe.

Well, except the manager. Rest in peace.

...o_e

So many things I want to say and do.
I wish I wasn't so afraid.

*grumbles*

I act like this because that's what will happen.

And this statement is further proved when I ask you a week early to come over and you make plans.

I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 8 people at once.

"Trust is like a piece of paper, once its crumpled it will never be perfect."

"I have to learn to accept the lowest from people, even if its from the people I always thought the highest of."


"You can't let yourself fall for the same shit, over and over."

The #1 reason I hate summer.

Bugs.

But more specifically, earwigs. And if you don't know what those are, they're these little shits. click

Like, really.

For the past few nights I kept hearing weird noises outside my window and for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I finally went outside with enough life to find out.

They are everywhere.

Oh, and since they're everywhere, it means they have to invade my bedroom. And their entrance, even better, IS RIGHT ABOVE MY FREAKING BED.

So not only are they invading my accumulated mass of pocky boxes and japanese crap, but they're also in my bed.

MY BED.

I have to sleep on the couch because now I'm too unsettled to even think about having a nice night's sleep.

Summer '10

...finally.
just... FINALLY.

no more school for a whole three months :D Now all I need is a job and my driver's license...

Finals

Oh finally, the last two half-days of school and I get to be free from this cornfield hell for three months.
I have so much planned, but I don't know exactly how much of it is supposed to happen.

Hippie frollicking, Horror movie showdowns, Visits to the north, and the south... Who really knows...

This summer can make me or break me.
Make me happy or break me slowly.

It all depends on the cooperation and overall desire.

Other than that, I just took my second final for the day and I have another two on Tuesday.

If you ask me, this year is a little fucked up.
We have two finals this Friday, then we have a three day weekend, then another two the following Tuesday.
It seems so dumb, but who cares. As long as I get it done and overwith, I have nothing to complain about.

さようなら !!

HOLY. BALLS.

Yuno from Toon-Factory uses Pico.
LIKE LEGIT, PICO.
I use Pico.
I feel important.

HEY DAD I MADE YOU SOME CURRY.

Not now, all your children look like demons.

I started looking at random blogs to pass the time in class. I think abour 3/20 that I looked at weren't stay at home mom's, obsessing over their spawn of Satan.

I vow never to turn out like this.

Then again, I hate children and don't plan on having any... and I'm too fugly/I have a shitty personality so there's no way I'll ever get married.

Adios.

Not now, Daddy's talking to Jesus.

Six more days.
Six more, tired, lonely painstaking days.

I'm excited... but I hope this summer is better than I think its going to be.

Anime Central

Yuuto now has new clothes.
Just a kimono, but its better than nothing.

I got three magazines.
With their usual value, I should have paid about 50 or 60 dollars
I paid 20.

Aaand I got a new Dir en Grey shirt! :D

Other than that, I would kill for a nap right now.

I... am so.. EXCITED.

Two days until Acen.

TWO DAYS UNTIL ACEN

TWOOOO DAAAAYS UUUUNTIIILLL AAACEEEEENNN

KJFDSLKFJ;LSDKFJ

And yesterday~

Vistlip released their single! It should be here either today or tomorrow..

but anyway

ACEEEEN IIIINNNN TTTTWWWWOOOO DAAAYSSSKJGFS;LKGJA;DLGJ

Still.

Ignore
Excuse
Lie
Ignore
Excuse
Lie
Ignore
Excuse
Lie
Ignore
Excuse
Lie
Ignore
Excuse
Lie
Ignore...

....HA.

I found out why I'm such a failure today.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

-Bill Cosby

Hmph.

Don't be another liar in my life.
I don't need that.

Thanks. :|

Friends

5/25

Great out come, right? Wrong.

Family


4/20


Neighbors

8/13


Other

4/20

Party for a lot turned to shit.

Thank you to those who showed up, I hope you had fun.

Fux.

I'm so tired, you have no idea.
The thunder kept my up all night, but the sound it made was almost like music to my ears.
It was actually very enjoyable.

My birthday was Wednesday, and I went driving with my mom.
I pulled up to a resturant and at the same time, my drivers ed teacher.
He went to the bar on the other side of the parking lot.

After we left, I almost got ran into twice, by the same car.
I thought it was a little funny, since I can just picture getting hit and my drivers ed teacher just shaking his head.

But both times, it wasn't my fault. Not my fault he doesnt check his blind spots.

So now I wish I could be sleeping, but instead I sit here thinking and doing school work I really don't feel like doing.

I hate this class, its so repetative. The assignments are too easy.

Get me out.

...

So many things left unsaid.
So little time to say them.

I don't even know.

I'm tired... still sick. I want to go home.
There's nothing here for me anymore.

Oh yeah

HA what a creeper.

FUCK EVERYTHING ;sdlfkds

NOOO
9GBO NOOOO
COME BACK I LOVE YOU ;OOO;

Sixteen years. ._.

I've got a few weeks, but I guess its my birthday soon :D
I didn't really realize it until I looked at the date. It just dawns on you suddenly, and for me, I don't even get excited. I never really have. But I guess maybe its locked up since I'm writing about it anyway? I feel conceited.

I'm throwing a party and so far I know of one person who can't go and another party that is happening the same day. I can't help but feel paranoid. What if no one shows up? D: But like I said, paranoid. I know there would be people there... my parents invited a million people too, so... they just wouldn't necessarially be my friends... but I do know at least four people will come because if they don't all I can say is "Well, it was nice knowning you! :D"

I hate everything.

Drama not wanted. Go away you little fuck~!

Re: Like HELL this is my fault...

I have to apologize, I really do. I don't mean to yell. I don't want to yell. Remember those times I said I can't talk to you about this face to face? Thats the prime reason. I yell. And I hate it. Just ask the siblings...
I can already tell Jenny's been talking to you... Again. Because I try to get her to understand where I'm coming from, and this is what she does. She tells you. No. I don't believe what Marisa said. I never believe what she says.

I can't accept the fact that everything you do has something to do with Jake, and I never will. I tried to several times, and I still can't. I have for the past few weeks, and this is where it got me. Friday was my snap, and once again, I'll probably just go back to pretending that I am actually enjoying myself.

I didn't know you had such a problem with talking to me. I asked you one day out of the week that you would at least spend SOME time with me, since we never do anymore. Once again, Friday was my snapping point.

And it wasn't just the art room dilemma that was bothering me.

It was that

Lunch

Sten in general

Weekends

Breaks

Phone

Internet

Everything else you could think of.

The reason you get the comments is because everyone else can see what he has done in the past, and no one forgets about the crap he pulled constantly. Thats a fact you'll have to accept and get used to. And no, its not my fault. If everyone says it, since according to you they do, then no. Its not my fault. I've talked to Lexi (She's in Germany now, so I doubt its her), Jess (Only person who I can even trust anymore and doesn't give me bullshit excuses when I ask for help), Lindsey and people on the god damn internet. Yeah, sounds like utter bullshit but its true. However, my efforts continue to prove as useless. Not my fault I don't have anyone to talk to anymore because I can't trust anyone.

The only reason I tell Kiba and Drew is because they're the only ones who will listen anymore, and right now, they're at the point where they could give a shit too.

I can't deny that. I have changed. I've changed into a useless, bullshit person who can't do anything to save herself or her friends because they all could care less.

You've changed. You say a little, but its not. In my eyes, you've changed so much its not even to be joked about. And sure, it may seem like a little, but a little in a short amount of time is a lot. You want to know why I've snapped? Because of that. Why I have snapped so many times in the past? Same reason. You've changed a little at a time, but like I said recently, little things all balled into one just get meshed together as one huge thing, and it back fires.

And once again, back to Marisa. No. I don't believe her. She said it, it bothered me and made me wonder if it were true since we never talk about anything anymore, but I doubt it. I could never see you doing anything like that. You know as well as I do, you aren't stupid. The only thing that bothers me.. You're nice. You've said it in the past, too nice. I don't want you to be taken advantage of because of that. And sure, you can say he wouldn't but you would be surprised what goes on in a man's mind. Also, that's not coming from me. A girl who can't trust a man if her life depended on it, it comes from men and married women. Not just my parents, by the way. Not that they even care anymore either.

Your shit. No. Those where my mother's words, not mine, so don't even get mad at me for that. It is my shit because everything she said was directed toward me, she just didn't say it up front.

She's sick of me, just like everyone else at this god forsaken school.

I don't want to fight anymore. I said that before. Once again, efforts are useless. Just like they always were. I can't ever shut my mouth, because as you know, I'm the shittiest person on the face of this earth.

Blame everything on me. Just like my parents tell me about everything, its always my fault. I just wonder why now I'm supposed to blame everything on myself when before even the mere mention got me a verbal assult. Because I've just changed so much, right?

You're my best friend. I would like to keep it that way, things are just in the way. My attitude, my bitchyness etc.. I'm just a hated, changed person and we all know that now.

I don't like turning things against you. Thats just how my mind works. Everything has a double meaning and I'm just stupid enough to take the bad one.

You know, I've always been willing to talk to you. Its you who needs to be willing. I want to talk to you, I would love for things to go back to the way they were but they won't now. Not for a while, is what it seems like. We need to talk, and you know we do. I was going to ask you to this weekend while you're at your dad's but... Who knows if you'll even touch Aim. Can't talk to you half the time on Wolfhome because you're *cough* "busy" and you don't go on anything else that allows large amounts of text.

Can't talk to you on the phone, you don't answer.

And yes, there is always something to said about Jake. Whether I say it, or someone else does. You don't talk to me about him and I appreciate that. You aren't the stereotypical obsessed and desperate girlfriend. Once again, I appreciate that. I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to have anything to do with him. Plain and simple.

I was going to tell you this verbally or in writing. I hadn't decided yet because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Obviously, you got to the blog first and now I am writing here. Chances are you will probably never see this.

Wow...Just.. wow.

School... You're dumb.

You don't block livejournal but you can't do half the shit on it because it's... messaging and media sharing?

You know what, just go suck a cock.

!

Even though they're little,
When you take a lot of little things,
and put them all together...


They just make one big thing.

I'm AWESOME

My day just got good~

I'M AWESOME.

AH HA HA

First attempt at blogging on Ameba.

I would say SUCCESS...?

Damn.

Boohoo. Spring Break is over. Back to school.. >:C

yay :D

On the way to Wisconsin we stopped at a SUPER H-MART.

Awww yeah.

Too bad they didn't have any magazines ._. But I did get lots of goodies.  c:

Milk Tea, Bean flavored Gummies (which were actually pretty good) soime Mochi, ALMOST got some Dango, but didn't, and some "Saku Saku Panda"

Pictures later ._.;

But they had a kareoke machine

and the best part
they had a "jpop" section in the song book


and there was like, a shit load of x Japan and Dir en Grey xD; I don't know how you're supposed to sing Dir en Grey but it's all good.

JK

My day just got a little bit better. c:

....

...I have all this free time and nothing to do... *face/desk*

SO LUCKY~!

I'm in advanced applications of technology

SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST RIGHT?

Yeah its not all that fun but whatevs, yo.

We havea  substitute today and I just happen to be a very lucky person c:

We have the same assignment we have had for the past two days.

Well, when we're done we're allowed to do whatever... guess who finished... YESTERDAY. :D

Me. c: So I get free block. C:

Infection.

Once the wounds are  made, they cannot be healed.
They become infected, the words traveling through the body and tainting the mind.
This infection cannot be cured.
It drags me down further into the veil of darkness and leaves me alone to die.

Dear Miyavi

I hate you. I really truely hate you.
I hate you enough to say that at this point, I never want to listen to your music again.
There are no excuses, there's no "The venue did it"

NO I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU
KEEP CRUSHING MY HOPES

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY D:<

And the sad part is that you probably don't care and  I know you don't. ._.;

I hope Karma gets you good this time.

RGAHAGFDGATHAG

It seems like a lot of bands are disbanding or losing members. ._.;
I'm not saying anything else so I don't jinx it D;

PIIIICOOO

I'm addicted to Pico.
That is all.

NO.

NO. NUH UH. YOU DON'T TOUCH VISTLIP D:<

...

Dear Miyavi,


If you decide to skip over Chicago on your US/Canada tour... AGAIN. Karma will show no mercy.

Thank you,

This lonely freak.

Strong words

I've always been told that hate is a strong word, but to be  honest... its the only word I can think of to use when in this situation.

Well... I could always use loathe, but strongly dislike... it just doesn't cut it.

Oh no ;o;

My computer crashed so I have a temporary one, though, I am at school right now.

It sucks so hard :c my dad said he's going to replace the hard drive. :UU

EEEARTHQUAAAAKE

*wakes up and hears rumbling* god what the fuck is that? *boom* *violent shaking* *grabs the sides of the bed and tenses up* WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT *shaking stops* *slowly gets out of bed and ninja's my way across the room* *opens door* *looks out and checks for fire* OKay my house is still intact... *runs upstairs* WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

Mom: *laughs* Earthquake
Me: I'm going back to bed. *shaking*

No really. We had an earthquake.... We've had two before but they were between a 1.6 - 2.3 magnitude, so they didn't really wake me up. But this one I happened to be a 4.3 and I was already awake.

Just picture your bed shaking about two to three inches each side and me freaking out.

Thinking...

I see this as bad, others... not so much.
I was thinking last night, about the past, the present and the future.

In the past, it was easier for me to spend time with the people I care about the most. In the past, it was easier for me to laugh, to joke, to have fun.

Now, it just seems to be getting harder. If I could put what I am feeling onto a piece of paper... its not so much words, but the same image keeps coming to my head.

I see her, my friend, standing there. A smile on her face, an arm outstretched and she's ready to go. Ready to have fun. Ready to hang out, just like we always have, just like I hoped we would always be able to. But now... that image has altered. I still see her, but its not only her now. In the background there's a figure... and as I look harder I realize who that figure is. Her boyfriend. He's hunched over, a frown on his face and his eyes are on me. He's slightly turned away, hair in his face. All I want to do is hurt him... whether I push him, punch him, kick him... what ever I can do to make him go away. He's sending me a message, like he's expecting me to leave. Expecting me to make room for him so he can have her all to herself.

I know I keep saying nothing's wrong, that nothing's bothering me. I know I keep saying we'll talk,  I'll get over it... etc. etc.... but the hard truth is I can't.

Now I'm thinking of the future. Five years from now. I want to see if you remember our conversations... about how you would come live with me in Chicago. How we would go to school together and how we would be together as friends, always. But now I just see me. Me, living alone in my Chicago apartment. No friends and hardly any contact with my family.

Where do I see my friends? Well, one, I see being herself. Carrying on her life as she is now. Another, I see going to college, doing what she wants to do.

But her, the one in my picture.... She's with him.
She still is... she forever will be.

Now I know I can't predict the future, but right now... that's what I see... that's what I will forever see.

That image will never leave my mind. I want so badly to return to the way things were... when I was able to talk to you about things... when I was able to laugh with you, but now it hurts. I hesitate every time I talk to you. I don't want to walk with you to your classes or your locker... because I know he's there. Watching, waiting... and expecting me to leave.

We should talk?

Why? So we can return to square one?

Thanks.

Thanks for completely ditching me for your douche-bag boyfriend.

I hope you're happy now, since he apparently can't take his hands off you for more than two seconds.

And don't bother trying to convince me that you're sorry or that you never did, because you would be lying... again. Because you know, ignoring it and making him go away totally fixes everything.

Think again.

And by the way

When you said "I won't ever let a guy get between us" I really took that seriously, so how do you expect me to believe you and want to trust you again?

Oh thats right, I can't.

So thanks a lot.

My secret love affair

I think its official.
I have a love affair...

With cameras.

NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS BAD.

I just mean I like them, a lot.

Everytime I hold one I get really excited and just want to start taking pictures.

I hate when I get one and I have to take a picture of something specific...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year.

I hope your new year is going better than mine.

And I figured I could say it now instead of never... I mean, at least I tried, right? D: