e__e

First off, if it doesn't bother them then it really shouldn't bother you. I know thats kind of your personality and I guess friends are supposed to be important to you or something but really. If they don't care, then don't bother. Its a waste of time and energy.

Second, if you're going to say she needs to get over the thing with Austin then try and be put in her shoes. Yeah sure, they dated for a few hours but you have to remember that as soon as he broke up with her, he went and asked her sister out. There is a lot more to it than just "he dated me for a day and then we broke up". If it bothers her, then let it. It doesn't affect you, and it doesn't affect Austin. If you were to tell her to get over it, thats similar to telling me that I need to get over the fact that Drew ended up being a girl. Did I want to believe it? No. Did I know before hand? I had a haunch but like I said, I didn't want to. I was in denial. I liked the feeling of having someone and now I've been without it yet again. It actually broke my trust a lot, and even though I know Kou is who she says she is, the fact I can't tell what she's thinking drives me insane. Does she really  like me like she says she does? Who knows. I don't even know, and if she didn't I wouldn't blame her.

Thirdly, if you don't like Krysta then you don't like Krysta. Am I telling you to get over it? No. If you don't like her then you don't like her. Am I going to stop being friends with you because of it? No. Why? Because you are one of my best friends and I won't let that bother me. She has told me that she likes you and would like to be better friends with you and actually really likes your art style, but you haven't given her much of a chance since shes a "hipster" and because she doesn't like Austin. Not everyone in your life is going to get along. Jake and I didn't. She and Austin don't. Me and Demi don't. etc. but the world keeps turning.  Krysta and I have very similar personalities so its easier for me to deal with than you. We make fun of each other, we make fun of Allisan and Kayley and yes we make fun of people we don't know and don't like. So. What. That's our business. We both say terrible things and not care who hears them. Would it fly in the real world? Chances are, no one would care because they would never see us again.

I apologize. I'm sorry I made fun of them today. I do like metal music but a lot of the behavior that comes with it irritates me, i.e. devil horns in public. I do it too, just in the appropriate setting. Them doing that is similar to me writing "HOMESTUCK" across my forehead. I don't like narrow minded people, especially when it comes to music. I don't like a good majority of these new bands, or old new bands, or whatever. But so what? Thats my opinion. You don't like rap, but I'm not going to force it on you. And you do like some rap. I know for a fact you like Eminem. I think your dislike toward Nicki Minaj is hilarious in a weird slightly ironic sense because you like Lady Gaga and I guess you could say they're similar in their clothing but their music is so so so different. Austin hates dubstep, but I don't see you hounding him down either. You have your opinions. I may not agree with you, and I'm just fucking with you about 80 percent of the time. I go over the top and I think our senses of humor are different so there's a lack of communication. Our music tastes really aren't that different. Like I said, I'm just giving you a hard time and I'm sorry.

I do want to be there for you, but you're a person who is really hard to get to talk. I'm always here for you anyway because guess what? It may not seem like it, but I really do care about you. If I didn't I wouldn't ask if you were okay when you're being weird, and I wouldn't still be your friend. I've been really stressed and angry lately, and I know thats not an excuse, but I am really sorry if I hurt you. I don't want graduation to be the end of our friendship and lately it really has been a fear, among others. Will I see you again? Will I ever see Kayley and Krysta after they go to college? Do I really have any friends at all? Am I turning out to be just one gigantic fuck up? The list goes on.

I do enjoy my time with you, and honestly I wish I could have spent more with you at Acen. I think things happened that way just because of timing. If I had the choice to go back I would have. I want to hang out with you more but I feel like I have to beg you to get you to. Sunday ended up being one of the worse days of my life because I felt so undesirable I can't even put it into words. Every time someone cancels plans with me or ignores my text, all those feelings come flooding back. I'm extremely paranoid about what people think about me, and the fact I'm so narcissistic sickens me to no end.

Once again, I'm not going to lose you over this. I'm sorry I made fun of your friends, and apparently by extension, you. 

Social Interaction

I feel like the most undesirable human being in the world. I've barely talked to anyone in the past week or so. I've just been stuck at home and at school. My mom keeps complaining that I'm never home, but even then I'm still at school. Lately I've been staying after to help paint a wall mural for our senior class. So far, thats been the only thing I have been doing.

They cut  my work hours in half so I can't even do that, while they doubled my friends. Shes gone for over half the week, and I can't really complain because it doesn't bother me that much. Its everyone else that is.

Everyone I know lives too far away for me to go get them and I feel bad if they waste their gas to come all the way to my house or to go anywhere at all. One moved closer but lately it feels like I have to beg her to do anything with me. I'm sorry Michaela, but you're probably reading this and you're probably getting mad at me but I guess this is why my blog is called bad ventilation.

At the moment I'm kind of happy because I got over it to an extent. I think everything else that happened after that fact just kind of put me over the edge.

I asked my mom Sunday morning if she wanted to go out to Brunch with me. I offered to pay and drive there. She was basically my last resort because I had literally no one else to do anything with on my one day off. She told me no. I asked her why and she said she didn't want to.

I was done. Not even my own mother wanted to hang out with me. I honestly went to my room and cried for about twenty minutes before I texted my sister and asked her. Even then, I still had to fight with her because she felt bad for leaving her boyfriend at our house by himself even though we do all the time.

I finally got her to go and for a while everything was fine and dandy. I went and got some plants and gardened for a bit but it just resulted in me being very tired and gave me too much time for me and myself.

Everything that I had been thinking for the past month or so just came flooding back. I took a shower, skipped dinner and went to bed. It was only about 8 o clock but I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4.

During that time I was talking to my friend in Virginia... or at least trying to. I was bawling for a good two hours and even though she kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong or that no one hated me whatever I still felt like shit.

She was posting on tumblr about how her mind was being insensitive or something and its still making me feel like crap even though its almost Wednesday now. The fact I'm still thinking about Sunday in general is making me hate myself.

I just feel like I'm bothering her far too much with my problems and its starting to make me feel completely useless. Just right now, using the word "I" and "me" is driving me up the wall. Its like, I'm just complaining about my problems but I'm not getting anywhere. I tried to ask her about her day or how she was feeling but she just blew it off and started asking questions and trying to reassure me. For some reason, THAT was bothering me more than the fact I hadn't talked to her in like... four days and the only way I could get her to was to ask her if I did something wrong.

I still feel like I did.
I still feel like I'm still doing something wrong.

I try to talk to her, but she said she hasn't been using her phone lately and I feel like its a complete and utter lie. The fact we live so far apart makes me the most insecure person in the world. The face that I can't see her say it makes it hard for me to trust her even though she said she wants me to.

I'm fully confident she is who she says she is because of various things but I still can't. Part of it is because she said she won't leave me, and that she won't forget about me, but every time she has a love interest its like I don't exist anymore. She starts talking about him all the time, and she'll tell me shes busy but then post about how awesome of a day she had with said love interest.

I can't say anything either because I live here. It would be like me telling her to fuck her social life and continue to sit inside all day.

She says shes happy and it makes me glad but at the same time I want some sort of attention.

And you know what's going through my mind right now?

I'm telling myself that I need to get over it because I'm just from the internet. I'm telling myself I live 700 miles away and that what I say won't ever amount to what her real-life friends say.

I'm telling myself I'm useless and that I'll only be needed when she doesn't have them. I'm telling myself I'm a second choice and a last resort. I'm telling myself I need to take a back seat and stop acting like I can do everything.


I hate these feelings. I hate them so fucking much but I don't feel like there's a way for me to forget them.

If I told these to her she would probably tell me I'm okay and that I'm her best friend and that she loves me and I've done so much for her.

I want to accept that and just take it while I can but I can't. My mind won't let me because I can't even trust the people I know in real life. I can't trust my own parents or my mom or dad. I don't know why. I just want to so I can feel at peace again, whether they are trustworthy or not. I just want to be happy again or at least content with the way things are but its like.. physically impossible.

I hate feeling this way. Words can't even describe how much I hate. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be someone normal and functional.

phones and such

That phone call made my night, really. It made me feel really good.

I wish I could talk to her on the phone more often but I don't know when she doesn't work / when she ever has time.

Uhg my head.

Anime Central

Out of the five years I have been going to Anime Central, this has BY FAR been the best.

I don't have post-con depression for once.. and really, I think its because I feel really satisfied.

So many wonderful things happened.

I got my picture with Sixh. Ibi, bought a Hangry-Angry sweater/dress, met the designers, got Ibi's autograph, met LM.C, saw them play live, was within only a few feet... a few INCHES of them...

Ibi called me cute, Aiji kind of acknowledged my existence, and they were both insanely happy to sign my Punky Heart CD that I have had since it released.


All of it... was just so fantastic.

I don't care if I'm broke as fuck now.

I literally spent nearly 400 dollars that weekend.

I don't even care.

For the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel genuinely happy.

Now that its over, I just... all I want to do is go back.

I feel like my confidence even got boosted a little from it all.

Seeing all the cosplays

Being around people who actually like the same things that I do

EVERYTHING.


Now, this weekend is Prom. And... well...  my birthday.

It refreshed my memory on how much I hate shopping.

Seriously considering investing in diet pills.

I just want a Happy Birthday from one person... if I get it, it could make my night... if not.. well... I would rather not talk about it. Its already making me sad just thinking about it.

The rest of this week... I won't text first.

I don't think I'll really try to make much contact at all.

I mean, what the fuck is the point? I don't want to say I give up... because I really don't want to.

Theres just... no use in even trying to talk about anything anymore... no one listens, no one cares enough to ask whats wrong.

But I guess I don't blame them. I always tell them nothing or that I'm okay when they do anyway. I feel like such an undesirable person its unbelievable.

Can I return to last weekend, please?