No one needs me or wants me anymore. I don't think anyone ever really did in the first place.

She probably looked at her phone, thought it was her boyfriend, rolled her eyes and forgot I was there again.

No energy

I'm so tired.
I have no way else to describe how I feel toward this entire situation other than "I give up".

I really don't have the energy to deal with the whole "I'm ignoring you for my boyfriend because you're just my last resort" thing again. I really don't.



I really do care about her and I do love her and she is one of my best friends, in spite of distance, but I just can't. I really really can't. I don't want  to lose her, and I bet if I wait for their relationship to go down the shitter then things will go back to the way they were. I don't want to keep going through this pattern because it makes me feel horrible.

It actually makes me feel really fucking worthless because when she isn't with someone, she's depressed all the time and nothing I say makes her feel better. It works the exact opposite with me. Sometimes I just want to hear things will be okay from her but I don't get it very often.

The fact we live so far apart really kills me because the fact I can't tell what shes really thinking bothers me beyond all human comprehension.

I'll ask her if I did something wrong, and its "No! You're fine baby!" but how do I know what thats what she really means? How do I not know she's going "Wow this fucking bitch is retarded and can't figure out what she did" at the keyboard instead?


I'll ask her if I'm annoying her or bothering her with my texting and stuff and she always says "No, I was busy" (which is pretty much a yes) or "No, I forgot to charge my phone" or "No, baby, it's okay <3 I'm sorry I didn't answer" How do I know she doesn't want to just turn her phone off and ignore me for the rest of her life?

I'll ask her if shes okay and she always tells me she is but I know her better than that, and I know shes not.

I really can't stand it. I don't want to be lied to, especially about things like that. I want to be told that I need to stop so I do. Its even worse when I ask her things and she says "I love you alot but sometimes I want to punch you in the face". I think that was probably one of the worst things I have ever been told. I know she didn't mean for it to hurt but it really did. I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel like that. Ever.


Sometimes I kind of hate how attached I am now because I feel creepy as fuck, and the fact we barely talk now depresses me beyond all human comprehension. Sometimes I want to tell her that I get depressed to the point I sleep in the school bathroom instead of go to lunch, or that I don't get any sleep because I'm crying or thinking about other things rather than sleep. I mean fuck, graduations tomorrow and instead of getting my clothes ready I'm sitting here talking about this.

But I don't want to sound like a lunatic. I really don't. When I talk to her I feel better anyway. There's a little spark of hope that maybe we'll actually talk about something, or that she might talk to me the next day but I'm always left disappointed. I don't I shouldn't expect anything, but I don't. I just hope, and lately, hope has been the biggest disappointment of all.

People wonder why I am the way I am, and this is exactly why. Everyone is so quick to leave I can't stand it. I don't want to even think about getting married or having a relationship and things like this are the biggest leading reasons.

"Hi, I'm leaving you for someone else"
"Wow, I really don't need you after all"
"I like you but you piss me off"

I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to do it anymore.