Dread

I keep getting this overbearing sense of dread.

Its usually when I'm on facebook or tumblr.

I think its funny because it reminds me of those articles you find everywhere that are like

"Social Networking sites cause Depression!"

Its like that, but in a totally different way.

I keep repeating myself because I have this feeling every few days or so, and all I want to do is bitch and moan and seclude myself from everyone -- just so I can get at least a little bit of it off my chest.

The only time I don't feel like this is when... eh... Fuck.

I've talked about it before. This girl being my best friend, and now I hardly exist to her anymore.

At least thats what it feels like.

I want to talk to her about it, and I have been told that I should because it'll come back to bite me in the ass later, which it will, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Part of it is because when I finally do get to talk to her, I don't want to fuck up the good feeling I actually get from it. It feels good, I feel happy, and the feeling only lasts for a little while because she usually ends up not texting me after a half an hour or so. It hurts a lot, and I can't bring myself to say anything to her.

I think it scares me even more, because she posts about how shes busy now, and she'll get back to people when she can and stuff, and that those who are angry about it should just get over it, but I can't. I just can't, and I don't think I ever will.

It also feels like mass deja vu, because this has happened before. It just bothered me for a long time,  and when I finally said something I was just told I was wrong. This is probably going to happen again and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Well, I can. I just don't know what the outcome is.


I know alot of what I say on here is extremely passive-aggressive, but I'm just a passive-aggressive person. I am willing to admit that, and I don't say it because for some reason EVERYONE is now passive-aggressive. I've always been like this, and all my friends know it. My family knows it too, but if something bothers me with them I usually just come out and say it.

I feel like everyone is just losing interest in me. Especially when they start dating people because they always start liking new things, and suddenly my life and my existence is totally irrelevant to them. I fucking hate it. I just want at least ONE person in my life to man up to their significant other and just do something other than talk about them, or talk to them, or ignore me for them.

I feel so selfish, and I think a lot of this stems from pure jealousy, and my hatred from being third-wheeled.

Right now, it shouldn't even matter because I just met her on the internet. I just got to close to her, and now I don't even know what to say to her half the time because I feel like everything I do say is wrong, or it annoys her, or I have to savor that time because its almost up. I didn't even know what to get her for Christmas because I talk to her so little now, and chances are she's like the rest of the people I know and they just... stopped caring about any interests that we shared.


I just don't want to think that I was just some... thing. I don't want to feel like I was that girl who was talked about but never seen.


We often talked about meeting, but I think the time she forgot about a conversation we had about it was when it threw me over the edge. I've always been self-conscious about being forgotten and I was sure that... well, that was what was going to happen. I was going to be forgotten.

I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to just be the internet friend...

This all hurts.