No one needs me or wants me anymore. I don't think anyone ever really did in the first place.

She probably looked at her phone, thought it was her boyfriend, rolled her eyes and forgot I was there again.

No energy

I'm so tired.
I have no way else to describe how I feel toward this entire situation other than "I give up".

I really don't have the energy to deal with the whole "I'm ignoring you for my boyfriend because you're just my last resort" thing again. I really don't.



I really do care about her and I do love her and she is one of my best friends, in spite of distance, but I just can't. I really really can't. I don't want  to lose her, and I bet if I wait for their relationship to go down the shitter then things will go back to the way they were. I don't want to keep going through this pattern because it makes me feel horrible.

It actually makes me feel really fucking worthless because when she isn't with someone, she's depressed all the time and nothing I say makes her feel better. It works the exact opposite with me. Sometimes I just want to hear things will be okay from her but I don't get it very often.

The fact we live so far apart really kills me because the fact I can't tell what shes really thinking bothers me beyond all human comprehension.

I'll ask her if I did something wrong, and its "No! You're fine baby!" but how do I know what thats what she really means? How do I not know she's going "Wow this fucking bitch is retarded and can't figure out what she did" at the keyboard instead?


I'll ask her if I'm annoying her or bothering her with my texting and stuff and she always says "No, I was busy" (which is pretty much a yes) or "No, I forgot to charge my phone" or "No, baby, it's okay <3 I'm sorry I didn't answer" How do I know she doesn't want to just turn her phone off and ignore me for the rest of her life?

I'll ask her if shes okay and she always tells me she is but I know her better than that, and I know shes not.

I really can't stand it. I don't want to be lied to, especially about things like that. I want to be told that I need to stop so I do. Its even worse when I ask her things and she says "I love you alot but sometimes I want to punch you in the face". I think that was probably one of the worst things I have ever been told. I know she didn't mean for it to hurt but it really did. I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel like that. Ever.


Sometimes I kind of hate how attached I am now because I feel creepy as fuck, and the fact we barely talk now depresses me beyond all human comprehension. Sometimes I want to tell her that I get depressed to the point I sleep in the school bathroom instead of go to lunch, or that I don't get any sleep because I'm crying or thinking about other things rather than sleep. I mean fuck, graduations tomorrow and instead of getting my clothes ready I'm sitting here talking about this.

But I don't want to sound like a lunatic. I really don't. When I talk to her I feel better anyway. There's a little spark of hope that maybe we'll actually talk about something, or that she might talk to me the next day but I'm always left disappointed. I don't I shouldn't expect anything, but I don't. I just hope, and lately, hope has been the biggest disappointment of all.

People wonder why I am the way I am, and this is exactly why. Everyone is so quick to leave I can't stand it. I don't want to even think about getting married or having a relationship and things like this are the biggest leading reasons.

"Hi, I'm leaving you for someone else"
"Wow, I really don't need you after all"
"I like you but you piss me off"

I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to do it anymore.

e__e

First off, if it doesn't bother them then it really shouldn't bother you. I know thats kind of your personality and I guess friends are supposed to be important to you or something but really. If they don't care, then don't bother. Its a waste of time and energy.

Second, if you're going to say she needs to get over the thing with Austin then try and be put in her shoes. Yeah sure, they dated for a few hours but you have to remember that as soon as he broke up with her, he went and asked her sister out. There is a lot more to it than just "he dated me for a day and then we broke up". If it bothers her, then let it. It doesn't affect you, and it doesn't affect Austin. If you were to tell her to get over it, thats similar to telling me that I need to get over the fact that Drew ended up being a girl. Did I want to believe it? No. Did I know before hand? I had a haunch but like I said, I didn't want to. I was in denial. I liked the feeling of having someone and now I've been without it yet again. It actually broke my trust a lot, and even though I know Kou is who she says she is, the fact I can't tell what she's thinking drives me insane. Does she really  like me like she says she does? Who knows. I don't even know, and if she didn't I wouldn't blame her.

Thirdly, if you don't like Krysta then you don't like Krysta. Am I telling you to get over it? No. If you don't like her then you don't like her. Am I going to stop being friends with you because of it? No. Why? Because you are one of my best friends and I won't let that bother me. She has told me that she likes you and would like to be better friends with you and actually really likes your art style, but you haven't given her much of a chance since shes a "hipster" and because she doesn't like Austin. Not everyone in your life is going to get along. Jake and I didn't. She and Austin don't. Me and Demi don't. etc. but the world keeps turning.  Krysta and I have very similar personalities so its easier for me to deal with than you. We make fun of each other, we make fun of Allisan and Kayley and yes we make fun of people we don't know and don't like. So. What. That's our business. We both say terrible things and not care who hears them. Would it fly in the real world? Chances are, no one would care because they would never see us again.

I apologize. I'm sorry I made fun of them today. I do like metal music but a lot of the behavior that comes with it irritates me, i.e. devil horns in public. I do it too, just in the appropriate setting. Them doing that is similar to me writing "HOMESTUCK" across my forehead. I don't like narrow minded people, especially when it comes to music. I don't like a good majority of these new bands, or old new bands, or whatever. But so what? Thats my opinion. You don't like rap, but I'm not going to force it on you. And you do like some rap. I know for a fact you like Eminem. I think your dislike toward Nicki Minaj is hilarious in a weird slightly ironic sense because you like Lady Gaga and I guess you could say they're similar in their clothing but their music is so so so different. Austin hates dubstep, but I don't see you hounding him down either. You have your opinions. I may not agree with you, and I'm just fucking with you about 80 percent of the time. I go over the top and I think our senses of humor are different so there's a lack of communication. Our music tastes really aren't that different. Like I said, I'm just giving you a hard time and I'm sorry.

I do want to be there for you, but you're a person who is really hard to get to talk. I'm always here for you anyway because guess what? It may not seem like it, but I really do care about you. If I didn't I wouldn't ask if you were okay when you're being weird, and I wouldn't still be your friend. I've been really stressed and angry lately, and I know thats not an excuse, but I am really sorry if I hurt you. I don't want graduation to be the end of our friendship and lately it really has been a fear, among others. Will I see you again? Will I ever see Kayley and Krysta after they go to college? Do I really have any friends at all? Am I turning out to be just one gigantic fuck up? The list goes on.

I do enjoy my time with you, and honestly I wish I could have spent more with you at Acen. I think things happened that way just because of timing. If I had the choice to go back I would have. I want to hang out with you more but I feel like I have to beg you to get you to. Sunday ended up being one of the worse days of my life because I felt so undesirable I can't even put it into words. Every time someone cancels plans with me or ignores my text, all those feelings come flooding back. I'm extremely paranoid about what people think about me, and the fact I'm so narcissistic sickens me to no end.

Once again, I'm not going to lose you over this. I'm sorry I made fun of your friends, and apparently by extension, you. 

Social Interaction

I feel like the most undesirable human being in the world. I've barely talked to anyone in the past week or so. I've just been stuck at home and at school. My mom keeps complaining that I'm never home, but even then I'm still at school. Lately I've been staying after to help paint a wall mural for our senior class. So far, thats been the only thing I have been doing.

They cut  my work hours in half so I can't even do that, while they doubled my friends. Shes gone for over half the week, and I can't really complain because it doesn't bother me that much. Its everyone else that is.

Everyone I know lives too far away for me to go get them and I feel bad if they waste their gas to come all the way to my house or to go anywhere at all. One moved closer but lately it feels like I have to beg her to do anything with me. I'm sorry Michaela, but you're probably reading this and you're probably getting mad at me but I guess this is why my blog is called bad ventilation.

At the moment I'm kind of happy because I got over it to an extent. I think everything else that happened after that fact just kind of put me over the edge.

I asked my mom Sunday morning if she wanted to go out to Brunch with me. I offered to pay and drive there. She was basically my last resort because I had literally no one else to do anything with on my one day off. She told me no. I asked her why and she said she didn't want to.

I was done. Not even my own mother wanted to hang out with me. I honestly went to my room and cried for about twenty minutes before I texted my sister and asked her. Even then, I still had to fight with her because she felt bad for leaving her boyfriend at our house by himself even though we do all the time.

I finally got her to go and for a while everything was fine and dandy. I went and got some plants and gardened for a bit but it just resulted in me being very tired and gave me too much time for me and myself.

Everything that I had been thinking for the past month or so just came flooding back. I took a shower, skipped dinner and went to bed. It was only about 8 o clock but I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4.

During that time I was talking to my friend in Virginia... or at least trying to. I was bawling for a good two hours and even though she kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong or that no one hated me whatever I still felt like shit.

She was posting on tumblr about how her mind was being insensitive or something and its still making me feel like crap even though its almost Wednesday now. The fact I'm still thinking about Sunday in general is making me hate myself.

I just feel like I'm bothering her far too much with my problems and its starting to make me feel completely useless. Just right now, using the word "I" and "me" is driving me up the wall. Its like, I'm just complaining about my problems but I'm not getting anywhere. I tried to ask her about her day or how she was feeling but she just blew it off and started asking questions and trying to reassure me. For some reason, THAT was bothering me more than the fact I hadn't talked to her in like... four days and the only way I could get her to was to ask her if I did something wrong.

I still feel like I did.
I still feel like I'm still doing something wrong.

I try to talk to her, but she said she hasn't been using her phone lately and I feel like its a complete and utter lie. The fact we live so far apart makes me the most insecure person in the world. The face that I can't see her say it makes it hard for me to trust her even though she said she wants me to.

I'm fully confident she is who she says she is because of various things but I still can't. Part of it is because she said she won't leave me, and that she won't forget about me, but every time she has a love interest its like I don't exist anymore. She starts talking about him all the time, and she'll tell me shes busy but then post about how awesome of a day she had with said love interest.

I can't say anything either because I live here. It would be like me telling her to fuck her social life and continue to sit inside all day.

She says shes happy and it makes me glad but at the same time I want some sort of attention.

And you know what's going through my mind right now?

I'm telling myself that I need to get over it because I'm just from the internet. I'm telling myself I live 700 miles away and that what I say won't ever amount to what her real-life friends say.

I'm telling myself I'm useless and that I'll only be needed when she doesn't have them. I'm telling myself I'm a second choice and a last resort. I'm telling myself I need to take a back seat and stop acting like I can do everything.


I hate these feelings. I hate them so fucking much but I don't feel like there's a way for me to forget them.

If I told these to her she would probably tell me I'm okay and that I'm her best friend and that she loves me and I've done so much for her.

I want to accept that and just take it while I can but I can't. My mind won't let me because I can't even trust the people I know in real life. I can't trust my own parents or my mom or dad. I don't know why. I just want to so I can feel at peace again, whether they are trustworthy or not. I just want to be happy again or at least content with the way things are but its like.. physically impossible.

I hate feeling this way. Words can't even describe how much I hate. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be someone normal and functional.

phones and such

That phone call made my night, really. It made me feel really good.

I wish I could talk to her on the phone more often but I don't know when she doesn't work / when she ever has time.

Uhg my head.

Anime Central

Out of the five years I have been going to Anime Central, this has BY FAR been the best.

I don't have post-con depression for once.. and really, I think its because I feel really satisfied.

So many wonderful things happened.

I got my picture with Sixh. Ibi, bought a Hangry-Angry sweater/dress, met the designers, got Ibi's autograph, met LM.C, saw them play live, was within only a few feet... a few INCHES of them...

Ibi called me cute, Aiji kind of acknowledged my existence, and they were both insanely happy to sign my Punky Heart CD that I have had since it released.


All of it... was just so fantastic.

I don't care if I'm broke as fuck now.

I literally spent nearly 400 dollars that weekend.

I don't even care.

For the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel genuinely happy.

Now that its over, I just... all I want to do is go back.

I feel like my confidence even got boosted a little from it all.

Seeing all the cosplays

Being around people who actually like the same things that I do

EVERYTHING.


Now, this weekend is Prom. And... well...  my birthday.

It refreshed my memory on how much I hate shopping.

Seriously considering investing in diet pills.

I just want a Happy Birthday from one person... if I get it, it could make my night... if not.. well... I would rather not talk about it. Its already making me sad just thinking about it.

The rest of this week... I won't text first.

I don't think I'll really try to make much contact at all.

I mean, what the fuck is the point? I don't want to say I give up... because I really don't want to.

Theres just... no use in even trying to talk about anything anymore... no one listens, no one cares enough to ask whats wrong.

But I guess I don't blame them. I always tell them nothing or that I'm okay when they do anyway. I feel like such an undesirable person its unbelievable.

Can I return to last weekend, please?

.

The fact he is like that just makes me want to hit someone.


Like, what the actual fuck...

I think I'm more afraid of her getting hurt than she is.

.

I feel like a major disappointment.

I'm currently rather content, since my friend is still talking to me.

She never texts me back, but I guess that's being made up for talking about stupid crap via facebook.

However, when she doesn't reply... idk how to feel.

And whenever I get offline or she does, we usually text... but she always stops after one or two. Last night I think her... boyfriend thing came over and slept in her bed or something.

I'm starting to feel really insignificant again.

And not only that, she talks about how everytime her phone vibrates she gets excited because she thinks its him... and when its not shes disappointed.

Great... -__-

.

So Amber, welcome to the world of no longer existing.

Again.

No matter how many times she tells me she won't ignore me its a lie, because she ignored me all day.

I know she was at work for some of it, but just... mother fucking hell.

I don't want to be ignored again.

She said she wouldn't do it but she did it with her last boyfriend too. She barely talked to me for like... two months. When crap in their relationship went bad she needed me again. I kind of already don't like him, but I can't really say that because I don't know any of them. But once again,  I'm just being insanely jealous and we tend to dislike the people we envy.

I want her to be happy, and I want to make sure she's okay... but I don't want to stop existing either. Its a terrible TERRIBLE feeling. When people say I make it out to be worse than it actually is, it really hurts because they don't really know. Usually the person telling me this are the people who are ignoring me, or they're trying to one-up me.

Its really hard especially because I already have really bad trust issues and when this keeps happening to me it makes me not want to get close to anyone anymore. Every time I do something comes by and snatches them away from me and I don't like it. I can't stand it.

When I said I feel like all my friend's 'love' or whatever the fuck you want to call it is conditional, I meant it. It really really is. I don't want to just be wanted when something doesn't go their way... I want a friend who will be a friend 24/7 no  matter who they're with.

There is so much bothering me about everyone lately and I don't have anyone to really talk about it with. I mean, I have one person but I don't want to bother her more than I already think I do -- but I know I don't? Its complicated. I feel terrible talking about my friends behind their backs but... its not even really talking about them? Its venting. I really really need a place to vent where I don't have to worry about them seeing it.

I don't mind talking here for some reason even though there is that huge risk, and... I don't know.

I feel sick. I've had an overall terrible day and it just seems to be getting worse.

I know none of this is making sense, but thats okay. Its not really making me feel any better so I don't know why I keep writing. Its just making me feel sick and like I'm going to cry... I don't know why I came back online because I already was sick and now I'm just going to be paranoid all night.

.

I feel like such a burden.

Just a useless fuck

I feel useless. I have to go to work in fifteen minutes and even though I can usually prove myself there it doesn’t help much at all.
I liked feeling like I actually served a purpose in someone’s life, and that maybe I at least made them a little bit happy. These past few days, I know for a fact I’ve just been making everyone’s lives a living hell. I’m a jealous fuck, and I really wish I wasn’t. I feel like I try to control people, especially those that I care about the most. I like maintaining a certain regularity but the good majority of people I do talk to like to break it every once in a while. It really freaks me out. It makes me think I’m not interesting anymore, or that they no longer need me.
Right now, its more so the second than the first. It seems like eventually all my friends find someone who makes them  happy, and then I am no longer needed. I was just something to give them some temporary high or something. I don’t know because I don’t know how they feel.
I just know how I feel, and that is completely worthless. It seems like everyone I know has some weird conditional love for me, where they only care when they don’t have someone else to infatuate themselves with. Its happened two or three times before with the spread of two friends and I feel like its happening again.
I don’t want to lose my friends, at least not this soon. I want them to be happy, but in order for them to be happy, it kind of seems like they need to stay away from me, and that really hurts.
I want to at least make one person in my life happy for an extended period of time, and I want them to make me happy too. I thought I found something at least close to that, but recently I’m starting to wonder.
Everything just hurts and I just want everything to be okay again. I thought this was just PMS but its turning out to be a lot more and I’m beginning to recognize the fact that all my insecurities are coming true.

.

I don't want to be jealous but its really really hard.

I've always been a jealous fuck, but its just not the same in previous cases.

Just... really not the same.

.

I'm losing.
I know it.
It hurts a lot.

Freak freak Im a freak

I felt the need to post about this for some reason.

Have you ever had one of those days where like... you feel like no one wants to talk to you. Kind of like they all have something much better to do, and they just completely forgot about you?

I'm having one right now, even though I've only really been home for about a half an hour.

I have this really really really strange dream last night.

It all consisted of going to Florida, meeting an internet friend, that friend being severely injured, and a lot of crying.

Oh, and an X Japan concert? I don't even like them that much.

The entire dream had an "its my fault" feeling, and I just really want to talk to said internet friend.

I don't know why I go on Facebook or Tumblr anymore because it always leaves me feeling like she forgot who I was, either that or simply doesn't care.

Idk.  I'm so distraught again, over the stupidest shit. I'm probably just PMSing again. -___-

Wasting Time

I feel so crappy. I only feel as though I have one person to talk to, but we don't talk often.

My problems seem so miniscule, and every time I want to talk about it I feel terrible and as though I'm wasting her time. Its not that I feel like I'm wasting her time in the sense that she doesn't want to talk to me. I feel more like I'm wasting time in the sense I'll spend all my time talking about shit that doesn't matter when theres so much more I would rather say.

It doesn't help that all I have been doing lately is bitch.

I apologized once today to another friend, but yeah. Nothing has really changed. I don't even think my apology meant much to her. My previous post still stands, though. I still hate Adele, and I know I'm taking it too far, but I'm to the point I want to establish my viewpoint on it because it seems more like everyone is assuming I don't like her FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE that she is overweight. The more she bothers me about Adele, the more I want to insult Adele because its pissing me off.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like everything is limited. More importantly, my friendships.

I have three very important ones, and I value each of them in a different way.

One, she lives far away. We met on the internet, and I have mentioned her several times before. Everytime we don't talk or we stop talking randomly, I feel like I've completely lost her. I'm kind of scared, actually. It seems like this is a pattern for me, and eventually I will be forgotten. Everytime I read a post she made, I get depressed and just remind myself I'm just some chick she met on the internet. I want to think our relationship is different, but I can't help it.

One, I've been friends with for about five years now. We fought, and we fought a lot. Quite honestly, I am SO happy that her boyfriend and I get along again. It kind of seems like him and I picked up where we left off, and for that I am really thankful for. I mean, we still fight, but its more nit-picky, fucking with each other kind of fights. Right now, its going a little to far and I feel like we're both instigating it. I'm not going to deny it. The past few days I have been a royal pain in the ass to everyone, and I don't know why. I just feel like being a bitch. Part of it is because I'm just a big fucking asshole anyway, and I'm PMSing like a mother fucker. I think I'm just going to  go back to being the anti-social quiet one that doesn't have much of an opinion anymore. I think things were better that way.

The last one is like... god, I love our friendship. We're so alike, and we know each other so well. I don't even know what to say about it.  I've known her for as long as I have the second one, and we actually really hated each other at first. Well... I hated her. Either way, now its like... We've never really fought /knock on wood/ and because of her, I actually grew a bit of a back bone and I can thank her for that. I really love her blunt personality, and the fact she doesn't take shit from people.I like the fact she honestly critiques my art, and it has helped me so much in the past few years. Shes always willing to help me when I need it, and I return the favor as much as I can. Even if its just giving her a ride somewhere, or spotting her a few dollars for food, or helping her clean her house.

I can honestly say, this is one of the best friendships I've ever had, and I am so glad that it finally gave me enough of a backbone to stand up to someone I was friends with for over nine years, and cut her off completely. I'm not saying its her fault for me no longer liking her, its just the fact that she had been bothering me and putting me down and all this other stuff for SO MANY YEARS and I finally told her I couldn't take it anymore. I'm glad I'm no longer talking to her, and I really hope the people at my school no longer associate myself with  her because I really regret ever being as stupid with her as I ever was.

Dread

I keep getting this overbearing sense of dread.

Its usually when I'm on facebook or tumblr.

I think its funny because it reminds me of those articles you find everywhere that are like

"Social Networking sites cause Depression!"

Its like that, but in a totally different way.

I keep repeating myself because I have this feeling every few days or so, and all I want to do is bitch and moan and seclude myself from everyone -- just so I can get at least a little bit of it off my chest.

The only time I don't feel like this is when... eh... Fuck.

I've talked about it before. This girl being my best friend, and now I hardly exist to her anymore.

At least thats what it feels like.

I want to talk to her about it, and I have been told that I should because it'll come back to bite me in the ass later, which it will, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Part of it is because when I finally do get to talk to her, I don't want to fuck up the good feeling I actually get from it. It feels good, I feel happy, and the feeling only lasts for a little while because she usually ends up not texting me after a half an hour or so. It hurts a lot, and I can't bring myself to say anything to her.

I think it scares me even more, because she posts about how shes busy now, and she'll get back to people when she can and stuff, and that those who are angry about it should just get over it, but I can't. I just can't, and I don't think I ever will.

It also feels like mass deja vu, because this has happened before. It just bothered me for a long time,  and when I finally said something I was just told I was wrong. This is probably going to happen again and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Well, I can. I just don't know what the outcome is.


I know alot of what I say on here is extremely passive-aggressive, but I'm just a passive-aggressive person. I am willing to admit that, and I don't say it because for some reason EVERYONE is now passive-aggressive. I've always been like this, and all my friends know it. My family knows it too, but if something bothers me with them I usually just come out and say it.

I feel like everyone is just losing interest in me. Especially when they start dating people because they always start liking new things, and suddenly my life and my existence is totally irrelevant to them. I fucking hate it. I just want at least ONE person in my life to man up to their significant other and just do something other than talk about them, or talk to them, or ignore me for them.

I feel so selfish, and I think a lot of this stems from pure jealousy, and my hatred from being third-wheeled.

Right now, it shouldn't even matter because I just met her on the internet. I just got to close to her, and now I don't even know what to say to her half the time because I feel like everything I do say is wrong, or it annoys her, or I have to savor that time because its almost up. I didn't even know what to get her for Christmas because I talk to her so little now, and chances are she's like the rest of the people I know and they just... stopped caring about any interests that we shared.


I just don't want to think that I was just some... thing. I don't want to feel like I was that girl who was talked about but never seen.


We often talked about meeting, but I think the time she forgot about a conversation we had about it was when it threw me over the edge. I've always been self-conscious about being forgotten and I was sure that... well, that was what was going to happen. I was going to be forgotten.

I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to just be the internet friend...

This all hurts.