/huff

Yeah so
I don't know
I didn't go to school for two days because I was too tired.
Actually, I take that back.
I was going to go today, and then it turned around and bit me in the ass.
I missed the bus by like... one minute and my mom threw a shit fit
So I told her I would stay home, considering that my sisters are every one's number one priority.

I'm not worried about getting caught up, basically because it's too early in the year for me to be missing anything I don't already know. 8|

I'm going to write up my resume for graphics.
The only thing I AM worried about
is the fact that I was supposed to sign up for classes for next year.
Everyone knows that if you miss the day, your schedule will be fucked hard in the ass.
I need a certain class.
I don't want it.
I need it.

And if I don't get it, I'm going to die.
Seriously.

There are various other things playing a part in my
not-wanting-to-go-to-school attitude
and there are other things playing a part in my
I-need-to-get-these-classes attitude
I can only talk about that to one person, though.
Or at least thats what I feel like.
I don't want to fight and I don't want to be called ridiculous or paranoid or whatever.
/sigh

I'm honestly terrified of my senior year.
I hardly even know how college works because my school expects every one's parents to teach them that or something.
My parents didn't go to college, so... I'm out of luck.
I feel like a fucking retard going on google to find this shit out.
I should probably talk to a councilor, but I don't really trust them.
I don't trust therapists, psychiatrists, or anyone in that sort of field.

Everything they learn comes out of a text book.

Brb Freaking out

OKay so
I don't think I have ever freaked out about finals before.
I think it's because this year, I actually have to try to get a good grade.
Time to power read through the Great Gatsby
GUH I HATE THIS BOOK /hulksmash

Sick

So, lucky me, I got sick.
I didn't have internet until late last Wednesday... not that it really matters.
I'm finding the internet is starting to become progressively boring.
I used to roleplay, I still TRY to roleplay but... uhg. I don't even know.
Gaia is starting to make me feel like a failure.
All my roleplays die and no one joins them.
I have NO. IDEA. WHY. Like, seriously.
This time, I even made everything SIMPLE and still, NO ONE joins.
I even made them use anime pictures, which I hate, and still... here I am, trying to recruit but nothing's working e_e
I think Gaia has the right idea though. I am a pretty big failure.
I mean, look at my grades.
I'm getting a D in English 11 because my teacher assigns me things when I'm gone without explaining them.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them and I feel like a fucking idiot when I ask.
We're reading one of the most boring books I've ever read.
And not only that, the author puts so much into one SINGLE detail. It makes it more boring than entertaining.
Ever read the Great Gatsby? Yeah, thats the one. I hate it.
I stopped reading it after getting half way through the first chapter.
Maybe I should just watch the movie or maybe watch some grass grow. That'll be about 100x more interesting.
Grass Growing > A guy talking about how nice his cousin's tits are

I'm getting C's in Walking for Wellness and US History
I tried to get my grade up in walking, but I could only finish nine make up assignments before the deadline when I needed about fifteen...

US History is just a problem in itself.
For the first half of the year, we had a student teacher... I was gone the last two days he was there so I have NO WAY of turning in those assignments. Not only that, he gave me zeros on assignments I turned in.
Oh, and my real teacher's lectures are... BEYOND boring. I mean, he talks for an hour and expects me to listen. Just... uhg its unbearable...

I think I'm getting a B in my graphics class... And its because I haven't turned in two assignments yet since they were due a few days ago. She'll take them.. hopefully... I think she's the only reasonable and likable teacher I have.

I haven't gone for three days now, so I'm pretty much screwed since finals are on Thursday and Friday. Its Monday now.

I'm honestly feeling better, but I'm really lacking motivation. Its not only that, but I honestly think I'm too embarrassed to go to school for various reasons. Starting with my sister, and ending with my gaining 20 pounds and breaking out like no tomorrow. I'm losing hope for that, so I might as well just give up. I'm eternally damned to ugliness, both inside and out.

So, ontop of  missing school, my family is becoming more and more dysfunctional as the days progress.
My dad is staying at my grandparent's house while my mom deals with my sister.
And by that, I mean she's in the hospital.
She's not like... sick or hurt or anything...
She's been cutting herself.. and for a while now.
My dad decided to blame it on my mom, so she's always on edge.
She's not as pissed off as I thought she would be though.
Well, she was... for like, an hour. Then she wasn't so it was okay.
Actually... not really. She decided to go out Saturday night. I told her I was okay with it, as long as she didn't get drunk.
Then she texted me at like, 11 asking if it was okay if she got a little drunk.
I told her yeah, as long as she doesn't get angry drunk.
Which she didn't.
She was in her happy-loopy drunk stage when she got home.
All was well, and then we started watching Valley Girls because she wanted me to see Nicolas Cage. xD;
We sat there and talked about how hot he was and stuff. It was really funny.
Then I got Evander out and we fed him Doritos.
She said something about how we're alike and stuff, and how we have a certain bond.
Its the same way with my sister and my dad.
She pointed out the last time she had problems with my sister (the one in the hospital) was when he was traveling a lot, and she's doing the same thing now because she doesn't have my dad.
I can guarantee that if my mom wasn't here I would be clinically insane, because I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
I think the thought of losing either my parents is pretty unbearable, but right now I feel like I've already lost one.
Sure, he's alive and all but my mom said she wants to divorce him because she can't deal with the way he treats her.
Its all because of my grandparents. I can't tell if they're doing it intentionally or not.
He listens to everything they say, and they say... well.. the wrong things, and do everything for him.
Its the complete opposite here because its part of the process my dad has to go through. He can't always get what he wants.
Then she asked if her being drunk was bothering me and I told her no.
And then she told me about how my sisters and the rest of my family was unaware of how much my dad was actually drinking before the accident. She was planning to divorce him before this because of it.

I started bawling and she asked me why I was crying and I told her I didn't know.
Because really, I didn't. All I've wanted to do for the past three days is cry, and I don't know why.
I feel like I can't deal with this anymore, but I don't want to admit it.
Then again I kinda did but... I don't know. It doesn't sound right.
I think its because we're so alike. She said that both of us have the type of personality where we sit there and pretend things don't bother us... so we bottle them up for so long until we finally burst and everything gets worse than it was.
And both of us are too worried about other people, and want to see everyone else happy, but at the same time we end up ignoring our own lack of happiness. Is it strange if I really don't care? Well, more of I've come to the point where I don't care. There are so many things that still bother me now, and the mere mention of them make me want to throw up or cause me to feel my own heart breaking, but I just ignore it and close myself off... trying to completely avoid the situation.

Maybe I need to see a therapist like mom says we all should.
It sounds like a good idea but I'm not entirely comfortable with telling some stranger all of my problems.
And honestly, I don't want to have to take pills, or get told "its all in my head" because thats EXACTLY what they told my sister. I said they were stupid and didn't know what our daily life was like. I was insulted by what they told her, and she told me that I couldn't say things like that. It upset me even more.


I don't know. My life is so fucked up right now.
I feel like this is the only place I can really say whats on my mind without judgment from anyone... but I don't think that's going to happen.
People who read this are probably going to call me crazy and tell me I'm over exaggerating but what the hell did I expect? No one in this world seems to give a shit. Except maybe one person... but... she's too far away.

First Post for 2011

Oh my god.
So, getting into the new year wasn't exactly my cup of tea.
I ended up working New Year's Eve.
Okay, I already hated work BUT OH MY GOD that was crazy.
Three pages of reservations with about 400 people
and then the dish washer was washing SO SLOWLY
Like, we ran out of glasses, silverware, dinner plates, bread plates...

So then when someone didn't get their drinks
OF COURSE
it's the busser's fault.

Wah wah cry about it. Seriously. :|

Anyway
So far the new year has been fairy decent.... I guess
I stayed home for the past two days cause I'm sick with what my mom called "a good ol' fashion cold"

I didn't spend much time with friends over winter break
basically, because I was working
Well... I don't know., I  guess I did.
I went to a friend's house that I haven't hung out since like.. April. It was decent, and we had a nice time at Wal Mart :U I guess we're hanging out this weekend too. c:
My best friend came over for the first time since... I think Dir en Grey? I hope you know how much that meant to me <3
Uuh and then I went out with these two people named Deidra and Allisan
omfg seriously
PetLand, Goodwill, and BuyBuy Baby
That was some crazy shit right there.

And then Monday I went to Best Buy, Borders and Steak n Shake with Deidra again
I think I have to hang out with her more often xDD


Anyway, other than that...
My dad got his head fixed so he doesn't have a gaping hole anymore
And my sister got put in a mental institution
Well, I don't know if thats what you would call it but... whatever.
I haven't decided how I feel about that yet, get back to me when I'm coherent.