Ha

Just to let you know, you ignoring me when I try to do something nice for your spoiled ass is just showing who the bigger person is.

Mind Control

I have no idea what this is supposed to be about. I'm actually sitting in my school library, in the corner at a table by myself during class and finding places to blog. Why? I finished my project, and now I am bored.

For the most part, the only thing I'm really feeling is me wanting to go back to bed. I had work yesterday. It was so slow to the point me, my friend who is a server, my manager, and the cook, were all sitting at the bar talking about how insanely stupid the people from our school are.

To put this in perspective, this girl told me she was going to Harvard... then proceeded to ask me who the Diary Of Anne Frank was by. My chef laughed so hard he choked on his soup.

They also think Earl Grey tea is gray tea and that we have Geometry 2 as a class (they said my algebra 2 class was geometry 2)

A girl asked about four times in the same day what an antonym was.

Oh, and a girl from my english class insists that Obama is part of Al Queda.

Okay. Whatever you say.

Anyway...

Another problem I have been facing with this being tired thing, is the fact is really really isn't helping my mood at all. I keep getting headaches from a lack of sleep and eating so my body kind of hates me now. Falling asleep takes me hours, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well, other than take a few of the melatonin pills I have in my room. I refuse to take them, though. I know they can't hurt me but I feel that if I do take them I will die in my sleep.

I guess the fact that I had to go to school, take a detention, and then go to work didn't help at all. I also had to, you know, shower and what not too. I didn't get to lie down until midnight.

My mom started to blame me for her lack of money (again). I don't know why she doesn't understand that she is allowed to say no, but she doesn't. It kind of set me off in a little fit and I ended up crying all night.

Lately, thats all I've really been doing -- crying. It sounds petty and stupid, but its true. I don't feel good about anything. I always feel like people are talking about me, or don't actually want to talk to me even though they are. This is especially true with my best friend from Virginia.

Its a constant feeling, even though she generally tells me that I don't bother her or annoy her, even though I basically text her until she texts me back... if she texts me back. Usually, she does later at night while I'm laying in bed, already freaking out because she hasn't already.

I feel so incredibly stupid. I keep telling myself that she lives on the other side of the country, and that it wasn't like we had anything anyway, but I feel like we did. She was one of my best friends -- my better friends, and she has seen me through a lot of highs and lows.

The fact she doesn't talk to me anymore is almost physically painful. I think I'm jealous, because she has a boyfriend now too. Her job prevents her from doing pretty much anything, and I'm afraid she'll overwork herself but shes wanted a job for as long as I've known her... I'm pretty confident that she won't.

Just the idea of me losing her as a friend makes me want to cry. In fact, I'm trying not to right now. If there was one thing I hated the most, it would be crying in public. Its terrible, especially when you don't want to talk to anyone.

Meeting her was something I was looking forward to... really looking forward to. I feel like thats just a fantasy too, and she's going to leave and forget all about me. I don't know how else to put it. -__-

Once again.

I'm just ignored and left behind.

Fuck.

I'm so freaking tired, but I cannot bring myself to go to bed.
I have about a thousand things on my mind right now, and I feel like I have to do the equivilent.
I feel like I have to go to work, but I don't
I feel like I have school in the morning, but I don't.
I just wrote three pages to a story and drew about 200 things just because I had the damn time.
It doesn't even matter.

God damnit.

The only reason I stay up this late is because I'm used to it, but I have virtually  nothing to do. Why? Because this person who is supposed to be my fucking friend is ignoring my sorry fucking ass.

Well, maybe not ignoring. But that's what it sure feels like. I don't even fucking know whats happening anymore.

I thought things would be different than everything else but they're just proving not to be. I liked having someone to talk to whenever I fucking wanted to, without any sort of blocks but I don't have that anymore. I just fucking don't.

I think having a friend from the internet this close would actually last but no. Fucking no. Everything had to go to fucking shit because no one wants to go through with anything they fucking say and I can't stop my inssecent bitching. I have people to talk to about this shit but I don't even want to say anything to them because I feel like I'm annoying the fuck out of them everytime I mention it.

I know its not fair. Its not fair to her at all. I'm not mad, I'm just so frustrated and I'm not used to feeling this alone all the fucking time. I can't stand it.

I. can. not. fucking. stand. it.

Miyavi

It was a great concert, and I couldn't thank him enough for coming back to the states.
I don't really have much to say about it, other than I am convinced he is the sweetest person alive. ;A;
I felt terrible for the majority of it, but thats because my asthma decided to set my lungs on fire and I believe I am now getting sick.

I also blew 125 dollars on merch, and I hardly have anything to show for it.











Nevermind.
Idc what anyone says.
This sweater was worth every penny.

Surreal.

I had this really surreal dream last night, and I want to write it down before I forget it.

At first I was sitting on the shore of a lake. It was night, and my friend and I were sitting next to each other and talking about our past lives. It was supposedly our first time meeting, so we had a lot to talk about. We were both dressed in white, and behind us was a large lake house with black trim and shutters.

After a while, I closed my eyes and I found myself in a house. It wasn't the same as the one behind me. All the doors were different colors and there was a flight of stairs at the end of the hallway. I started going into each of the different colored rooms, and each one had a different "original character" I have created inside.

The first room belonged to a pair of people I created, both of which were artificial. One is named Ezekiel. He's a cyborg character I created, and the other is also named Ezekiel. He was a biological experiment that was created to mimic the appearance of an angel. They had their wrists slit, but no blood was coming out. The door and the entire room was painted white and the two characters were laying in a pair of matching, white silk hammocks that were hanging from one side of the room to the other. It was just big enough for them to lay comfortably. There was a large floor to ceiling window on the opposite wall from the door and all that was showing in was extremely bright, white light. In the walls, the two have their names etched and stitched back up. I closed the door and locked it from the outside.

I then moved onto the second room, where another one of my characters was. The door is black but the entirety of the room on the inside is pink. His name is Kenjin, and he was one of the first characters I ever created. Instead of the room being a bedroom, he's looking into a mirror hanging against the wall in a bathroom-like room. Its extremely small. If he immediately stepped back from the vanity, he would collide with the toilet and the wall opposite from me is basically the shower/bathtub. He's commenting about how ugly he is and how no one will ever love him. He gets angry and breaks the mirror, and I, once again, close the door and lock it from the outside.

The third room I enter is completely red, just like the door it corresponds to. Inside is a large bed, and my character named Sasha. He's dressed in a red dress that is unnaturally short from the lolita-esque ones I make him wear. He's laying on the bed, hugging a pillow and staring at the wall rather empti-ly. I leave him in peace and lock the door from the outside.

The fourth room I enter is baby blue. There is a computer desk, a bed, and a play pen that you put babies in. My very first character is sitting in it. His name is (once again) Ezekiel. I've always called him Zeke, though. For the first time I entered the house, I spoke. I said "Good boy," and patted him on the head. He looked up at me and smiled, so I left, but I didn't lock the door, nor close it.

The very last room I enter has an archway entering and leaving into a brown-colored living room. There is no one inside, and its decorated with posters of Malice Mizer, Moi Dix Mois, and the like. It actually looks a lot like my friend's (in real life) room. The only difference is the way the walls are painted. They're just plain navy blue. There's a  bed next to the door and on the opposite wall there's a light. Other than the posters, there's various painted ones. I look at one in particular that was titled "Mommy's nightmares". All the pictures painted onto it are nightmares I remember quite clearly. The one I most recognize is one I had about two years ago, in which someone killed everyone I knew with a chainsaw then killed themselves in my room only for me to find them just before I woke up. The person actually looked like someone I met about a month later.

I noted how creepy it was before walking into the living room where my entire family was. None of us said anything. My dog was sleeping on the floor, my dad was in a recliner, and my sisters and mom were lined up in the couch. They were all watching TV and the walls had windows going all the way around. I went back through the rooms to the hallway before waking up.

Sooooo I miss you.

Like... a lot. It kind of sucks.

A lot.

I feel like you haven't texted me in eternity, and I'm afraid to text you more than once because I feel that I am annoying you. In fact, I kinda feel like that all the time. I don't want this friend ship to end like the rest of the ones I've had online. They get a job, and a girlfriend/boyfriend, and a license, and they realize our friendship wasn't really anything.

I know you won't do that but I feel like its going to  happen anyway.

...-_-

Thats about how I feel right now.
Just... -_-

I'm not really sure either. For the past few days I just don't feel like existing. Maybe I'm just kind of at my limit with everything... especially school.

I. Am so sick. Of school.

I have this terrible terrible case of... idfk what they call it... Senioritis?

I just do not give a single flying fuck about anything.

All I want to do is sleep, and all I can think about it how many other things I could be doing.
I feel really bad because all of my teachers have been super patient with me, especially my sales one.
He's a nice guy and all but for SOME REASON he pisses me off the most, and like I said. I feel really bad.
He's always given me chances to turn my work in, and when I do get around to it I do turn it in and I usually get a good grade on it. I just don't really pay any attention because for the most part, I know it all already.

My English teacher has been trying to be as helpful as possible, but just some stuff in that class doesn't make sense.

They say they test us on a college level now.

Explain to me why I aced the quiz that I guessed all the questions for... and when I mean ace, I mean, I got like, a 97 percent...

And I got a 43 on the test?

And why is it that every single class average for that test is under 65 percent?

Don't tell me its not because we didn't study, because I don't remember seeing a single question on that test REALLY pertaining to what we learned...

The other two classes, Graphics 2 and Walking, are basically self teaching classes so it doesn't even matter. I do what I can and they're just happy with what I dish out at them.


Anyway...

On another note...

I don't know what it is, but lately I have just felt completely down.
I'm tired, I don't care, etc.
I already said this so I'm not going to repeat myself again...

But school hasn't really been my only problem.
Sure, I have a job but I just like... I'm kind of past the "I DON'T WANT TO WORK EVER" phase and have moved onto "I'm going to complain about it but I really don't give a fuck" phase.

So thats not so bad.
In fact, I worked a 31 hour week last week and only made about 50 dollars in tips.
And it doesn't seem terrible but lets put these things into perspective.

When I single bus, meaning I bus alone, I make about 40 dollars on a normal night.
When we get about 200 people, I can make a little closer to fifty.

When we have 100 maybe then its like... 25 or 30.

I can deal with that.

HOW EVER.

Last thursday I actually excused myself to work.
I woke up at 7am, got to work at 9, and then proceeded to work my fucking ass off until 5 pm.
FIVE. PM.
Thats EIGHT HOURS.

SERVING.

FOUR HUNDRED.

MIDDLE AGED

AND OLD

WOMEN.

Because there was a craft show across the street.
How much did I make in tips.

twenty dollars.



....




GRANTED.

I did work with someone else.
But the following Friday.
We only have about 200 people.
I made 22.

Screw this place, I mean seriously.
Either those people hardly tipped at all, and even if they did I would have heard about it cause all the servers do is bitch about how little money they make, or someone is ripping us off.

/sigh

Okay, I believe I am done.
Well, I'm not. Theres some other things I need to get off my chest but I'll just write them down in a word document. I just... I don't want to talk about them here. Not that it really matters.




Oh, and I'm changing this blog title soon and making a new one. Basically because I'm only going to use this blog for venting and what not. Sometimes, I just need it. And my developing carpal tunnel doesn't appreciate me writing for several hours.

SHUNKY DONKS

Yeah so
Shrinky dinks
I'm gunna make me some rings with em.
Yep.

Bye.

Yes,

So I ditched school today.

I woke up later, picked up my friend and we were off. But instead of being good little time managers like we should be by now, we decided to stop for coffee.

So we did.

And the dumb bitch got my order wrong, and didn't know a "Mocha  Frappuccino" was a "Mocha Frappe". She spent five minutes looking for it in their index before she finally asked someone.

We originally had just enough time to get to school, but the detour has us running a little late. We hit the next town over before we realized the clock on my car was a few minutes late. Instead of just sucking it up and getting a detention for being late to school, we ditched.

My friend called her mom, who then called her in, and when I asked my mom she was surprisingly okay with it. I had to go to the doctor anyway, and my sister had tonsillitis so she needed to go too. She also gets a slightly cleaner house, so its like a win-win-win-win situation. 8D


Anyway, that was my day. They blamed my sinus infection on allergies and didn't do anything about it.


I'll be back in about a wee hur hur.


And on another note

My previous post wasn't to offend anyone. It was more like... I really needed to get that off my chest e_o I feel much better now, and even donated to the boot on 9/11 if that makes up for anything lmao :|

Ten years.

So its been like, 10 years since 9/11 or something
But honestly, I just really can't bring myself to care.
If everyone can talk about how much they cried, or mourned, or what they did that day, then I can talk about this too. I'm not asking you to judge, and if these first few seconds irk you then don't fucking continue.

I don't give a shit how insensitive or inconsiderate, etc. you think I am. But seriously. I can't.
I was like... seven when it happened, and my age has nothing to do with my apathy.
In fact, I think I'm probably one of the less insensitive people around this time of year.
I mean, I think its kind of sad that America thinks its okay to use events such as this as a marketing ploy, or even worse, they uses events from other countries as a marketing ploy.
I think its great that people are willing to donate.
I think its great that people are willing to honor the dead.
But really, it's been ten years. You people are acting just as terribly as you did eight years ago.
Do you still see me crying over my dead relative after the twelve years shes been dead? No. I still love her, she was family. I still think about her. Do I let the whole fucking world know? No. Because I got over it.

I think its time America moves on and thinks about something other than themselves. Worse things have happened in this world, but just because it happened to America we have to act like its the Apocalypse even ten years later. If the victims and the victims family or even just New York in general wants to grieve, then go ahead. Do it. I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Allisan

She peed.

I wish.

I wish that people more deserving of certain things got what they deserve.

The stupid bimbo who traces her art work wins because all of her friends are in the class, when the other four contestants spent days sketching, planning, and drawing out their design.

What do we get? Nothing.

Fuck this class.


I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does.

Fuckin' bimbo.

School

It started. Its been a couple weeks now, or at least it feels like it. I think we're on week three.

Obviously, it sucks. Thats because that's the way school is. I think it's even worse because its senior year.  Everyone told me this year was supposed to be awesome because at this point, no one is supposed to give a fuck. Well, they lied. I think everyone just got bitchier because they think they're hot shit.

Anyway, so I noticed that the pages in our planner dedicated to rules has increased by about 75% in comparison to two years ago, and they all just seem to make less sense. My dean of students is still out to get me and when I'm late to class because of their stupid sten... or rather, STEP regulations, she has to stop me to do the pledge of allegiance. I don't know what makes her think I do it in class to begin with, because I don't. Its not because of the whole "It says 'under god' and it's offensive!'" argument. Its more of "Well, this country is shit so I have no faith in it."

So, now that schools started my life is basically nonstop. I go to school five days a week, and then three out of seven I'm at work. I hate it. I truly hate it. My friend always says she likes it, but I can't take it. Especially with my mom breathing down my neck and telling me about how I never do anything when I am home. Maybe thats because I come home from school, fall asleep at 6 pm and don't wake up until the next morning. Even then, I still feel like I never slept at all.

At least I've had a few says off, but I've been completely miserable. Labor day was Monday, and I woke up with a sore throat. By Tuesday, I was half dead. I went to the doctor to get a prescription because I already knew I had a sinus infection. The doctor said it could be a complication of a viral infection because my throat was covered in white spots, and that if I'm not careful I could get pneumonia.

Maturity

I think the 'hating each other' thing got old.
I mean, it really did.
That's why I was so content, and being so content in your presence..
It was strange, but it felt good.

It made the concert hell of a lot more enjoyable, even though those assholes came and took your seats.

...

I don't believe you.
I don't fucking believe you.

One day...

One day until school lets out.
Two days until I have my weekend ruined by yet another day of work.
Three days until I hang out with my best friend.
Four days until Monday, and I don't have to wake up at 6 am for the first time in far nine months.

I could go on forever.

In the last day or so, the worst and best has happened.

The worst.
I got a truancy ticket.
Yes, a ticket of truancy.
They gave it to me three days before school let out.
Why? Because I had a supposed "Unexcused Absence" the day I was lying in bed, hardly able to move or talk.
Why? I probably had one of the worst sinus infections in my life.

The dean of students at my school is out to get me.
I don't care what anyone says.
"Well, you missed x amount of days at school so it was bound to happen sometime."
Right? Wrong.

Me: "Well, this person wasn't in school for three months without a medical absence."
Her: "But her mom called her in sick every day."

Yes, yes she did. And so did mine.

You're only doing this to me because I went to an anime convention that entire weekend, and didn't go to school the day before or three days after.

Why?

Because I was at the doctor. If you really want to know how my anime convention went, it sucked. I spent all day in the hotel room because I didn't have the motivation to get up without OD-ing on decongestants first.

So, Ms. Grisch...

Stop calling my house.
Stop calling my mom at work.
Stop asking my mom to bring you the doctors notes while shes at work.
And most importantly, quit being such a royal bitch.


The good

I got my vistlip CD's today. It released /counts three days ago?
Yes.

I bought two out of the three editions they had available.

Why?

Because they had a special. Buy two, get an autographed photograph.

Well, I was starting to think it was a lie.
Or at least, I would just get a polaroid or something with one of their autographs.
Honestly, that would have been amazing.

But instead, this came.



I cried.

Really, I cried.

Upon further inspection (after freaking out about it for about an hour or so) I found that you can even see their finger prints on the ink.
And Rui smeared his signature just a little bit.






Vistlip, you make me the happiest woman alive.

Okay

Sorry to bother you again and clog up your everything.

I just had some thoughts that I need to jot down. Now that I have a little more time for my art, I just decided I might as well do some sort of summer project.

Ideas:

1. Get some children books from the library (only one at a time) and reillustrate them

2. Create shadow boxes out of song lyrics (My art teacher did this, and it seems really cool)

3. Create a childrens book out of a retired book - Use as many types of mediums as possible (while remaining consistent) TRYING TO BE CONSISTENT CAUSE I'M ALL PARANOID NOW

4. Draw in a sketch book every day. Still lifes, characters, thoughts, vent art, etc. (I'm going to do this anyway)

5. PRACTICE MY ANATOMY. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SEARCH ARTISTIC NUDES AND DRAW THEM COMPLETELY UNCENSORED!! AHAHAHAHPENISESANDBOOBS

6. Stop being so immature about this.

More thoughts later.

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN BITCHING ABOUT MY LIFE YES.

200th post, and a little thought on art.

Woo~ This is my 200th post.
I only have eight followers. AHAHA Its a little sad because I'm pretty sure they all:
A. ignore me
or
B. their accounts are inactive. 8D

I don't blame them <33

Okay so that totally wasn't the point of this post.

I was actually looking through my gallery on deviantart the other day, and I was finding my art to be really... well... inconsistent.

I don't know if I should be worried or not. (Maybe that's why I'm so internet unpopular hurhur (or I actually have a life, unlike some people I know))

I plan on going to graphic design / marketing / foreign language, which I guess isn't that big of a deal considering the fact you never really see any FAMOUS graphic designers... I don't, at least.

And if you do, their style is rather cliche, imo.

OKAY SO THIS, AGAIN, IS ENTIRELY NOT THE POINT.

I have a definite style.
If you put my art next to anyone else's, its rather distinct.
But I do too many things with it.

I design, yes. I illustrate, yes.
I draw, traditionally.
I draw digitally.
I use copics, colored pencils, photoshop, GIMP, whatever computer program I can get my hands on basically.

I just feel its all too... all over the place.

Should I be concerned?
I'm in my junior year of high school, and I don't even know what my favorite medium to work with is. :\
I really like digital, though. I just don't know.
I really don't. D:

Acen 2011....

could have
and should have
been better

Thursday/Day before
-Rushed to get ready
-Felt a little crappy, dealt with it.


Friday/First Day:
-Drove sister to school
-Drove to the doctor
-Found that I had the beginning of a sinus infection
-Drove to the convention
-Got lost in Chicago
-Had a panic attack
-Friend had to drive the rest of the way
-Got to the convetion
-Fought with a different friend
-Spent the majority of the day in the hotel room
-Met friend who I intended to meet for over a year
-She was  drunk
-She passed out in my hotel room

Saturday/Second Day:
-Started off okay
-Dressed up as Craig from South Park [link]
-Searched for favorite booth
-Couldn't find it
-Guy who usually worked at it worked at h.Naoto booth
-Assumed it wasn't there
-Spent 3x as much on a magazine than intended
-Blew all of money in one go with hardly anything to show for it
-Went back to hotel
-Ate
-Missed all of the panels I wanted to go to
-Dressed in Lolita [outfit] [gross]
-Spent the last of the night in the hotel
-Skipped soap bubble

Sunday/Day of Departure:
-Didn't really do anything at all
-Cleaned out bank account and bought a book from h.Naoto

So basically, it really sucked.
I really hate being sick. It literally ruins /everything/.
I wouldn't have spent so much time in the hotel if it wasn't for that :\

Three Days homygod

I'm so freaking excited.
Acen is on Friday~
Does Friday count as a day?
Does today count as a day?

Who cares
its awesome.


omgomgomgomgomgomg

I don't like you. I don't know you, but I don't like you.

I think
I need
to get a life.

I really really do.
I should probably stop controlling other people's lives.
Like my friends

I still haven't learned my lesson.
I want to be angry.
But I don't have the energy to.

I want to tell you
That hearing that made me panic
And by panic, I mean sob uncontrollably.
I freaked. And I mean it.

Yes, I'm jealous.
I'm not sure why, but I am.
Yes, I'm paranoid.
And those words made it much much worse.
Yes, I'm scared.
In fact, I'm terrified.

Just a Birthday

It was nothing more than just a birthday.
The day started out with a phone call at midnight from a friend in a totally different time zone.
I can honestly say, she is my best friend.
The first person to say happy birthday to me was my friend in real life.
Yeah, I appreciated it.

My friend bought me coffee on the way to school.
White Mocha Latte~ Aah. Pure bliss~

A teacher gave me a birthday card.
And I was greeted with a cupcake and "Happy Birthday Amber" written on the white board of my second block class.

I appreciated that too.
I would have liked the cupcake if it wasn't half melted and really, really gross. xD;
I still like the thought, though.

Third block was as boring as usual.

Fourth was great. I finally finished the cover for my school's literary magazine.
I'm not supposed to show it to people. It's considered "Prior review"
And since we work under a Tinker system, I cannot... by law.

So, you'll have to wait until the magazine is completely published.

Anyway...

Art Club was canceled, which was a slight downer...  but it allowed more time for my friends to come over.
You know, the ones that are willing to put aside the "important" things to do so.
Kayley, Krysta, Heather, Gracelyn, Allisan and Deidra.
Actually
Allisan, Krysta, Kayley and I decided we're going to plant a garden this summer.
It'll be a collaboration.
We actually started on it today, ahaha.

So, the garden is pretty much cleared. We're actually making a moss garden on the side because we felt terrible for killing it. To be honest, it was too cute to do so.... So we moved the soil.

We had a great dinner that my dad and grandma prepared.

And some things happened, including watching South Park for a good three hours.


I can't help but be bothered though.

Its been year number two.
And yet, I'm still supposed to keep my mouth shut.

Anaglyph Tutorial

I made a tutorial for this while I was at it. :U

 Hopefully it helps.

Anaglyphs

After searching for what seemed like forever, I was able to find a tutorial that told me how to make Anaglyphs out of a single picture, instead of taking two pictures and making them into one.

These ones do actually work!

I drew the second, and the first one I took myself about four years ago.

The first one totally trips me out. I can never tell if Anaglyphs work, but that one definitely does.

So seriously, go get a pair of 3D glasses and look at them. C:

Dear You

I'm to the point, where me knowing you for nine years is completely out of the question.
Sure, I do all this shit for you.
I buy you crap.
I help you when you need it.
I don't bitch when you need to.
But this needs to end.

I swear to fucking god.
I hate your guts.
I can't stand to be around you for two FUCKING seconds because the only thing you ever seem to care, or talk about, is either yourself, kpop, or yourself.
And no, that wasn't an accident.
The only person in the world you find to be of ANY meaning is yourself
and those kpop idols you wouldn't meet in a million fucking years.

At least you admit that you're spoiled.
But you forgot a few other words in that phrase.

You're a spoiled rotten, narcissistic, egotistical, over dramatic, immature little bitch.

And you'll want to say I'm the same.

Oh sorry
I FORGOT that I hardly have both my parents in my lives.
At least your father doesn't throw a fucking FIT over the smallest god damn things.
At least I wouldn't blame him for it. Its not his fault he bashed half his FUCKING skull in.
But did you have the common decency to maybe do something to  help me in this situation?
NO.
You just said I'm sorry, and then mocked me about it a month later.

Oh sorry
I ALSO forgot that I  have to practically BEG my parents to buy me pretty much ANYTHING anymore
Because I have a fucking jobs so I can buy shit like drawing tablets
which, by the way, I would actually use.
You have no reason to own one. You never have.
I can't even remember the last time you bothered to pick up that digital slr
But god, if I'm upset about the fact that I can't have either
or use either
Then I'm suddenly irrational

How about for once in your pathetic little life you consider someone else?
You know, its really not that god damned hard.

I can't believe you would EVER say the shit you do to me
and then when I get angry
YOU TURN AROUND
AND SAY THAT I'M THE ONE
WHO TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT

What the FUCK is wrong with you?
Obviously, you need to go see another FUCKING therapist.
I don't GIVE A SHIT
if ANYTHING I do makes you uncomfortable

OH SORRY
DID I DROP THE EFF BOMB IN FRONT OF THE TEACHER?
WOW. IR EALLY COULD GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE SINCE SHE DIDN'T SAY SOMETHING, SHE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T.
IF ITS MAKING YOU NERVOUS, PLEASE, ALLOW ME TO DO IT AGAIN.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK


Oh sure
Sorry
I'M BEING IMMATURE
I'M BEING OVER DRAMATIC

I'M SORRY FOR BEING INSULTED OVER THE FACT
YOU CALLED ME
A FUCKING
HOBO
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T TAKE YOU TO TACO BELL BECAUSE I LITERALLY
LITERALLY
DID NOT HAVE A CAR
OR A HOUSE
OR ANY FUCKING MONEY
BECAUSE MY DAD STOLE THE CAR KEYS
TOOK ALL THE MONEY
AND KICKED MY MOM AND I OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE FOR TWO DAYS



I have NEVER been so INFURIATED by someone in my entire FUCKING LIFE

You expect ME to be YOUR bestfriend and you say that TO ME.
You ask me what I have to be stressed about
I dare you to spend one day in my fucking shoes
Lets see how long you last without parents
Lets see how long you would last without EVERY SINGLE THING YOU WANT

And why do you get it?
Because you make your mom feel sorry for you UNTIL she buys it for you.
And if that doesn't work, you lie to her.
And she probably thinks you're the most precious thing in the god damned world.
Well apparently she doesn't pay attention to you as much as you think you do.

God DAMNIT.
I'm so fucking DONE WITH YOU.

okay

I'm finding everything becoming more and more unbearable as the the days go by.
I feel like I keep saying this but the more I have to deal with this crap, the more strongly I feel this.
I wasn't even able to go home for two days because of my dad.

I mean, literally. He took the car keys and transferred every penny to a bank account my mom can't access.

So we had no car, house or money.

I told one friend and she proceeded to call me a hobo.

I think the only one who really bothered talking to me about it was Kou, from Virginia.


Work on Friday was slow so my friend and I were cut early.

I have to work tomorrow for Sunday brunch.
We have reservations for over 200 people -__-


Friday night sucked as soon as I got home.

I just really don't know how to handle myself right now.

I was so excited for Acen, but everytime I find myself getting excited for it someone backs down or something.

And its not even that.

It just doesn't seem like anything is going right.

And I seriously think the entire world is against me.

I haven't felt like talking to either of my best friends all day.

For... Various reasons I will not repeat here.

I'll get in trouble. :|

Or whatever.

I feel like sleeping for the rest of my natural born life.

No homo

Amber-Rose: to Michaela:
No homo
        
Michaela:   NO
Amber-Rose: HOMO
Michaela:   LOL
Amber-Rose: C:
Michaela:   ‎>: U
Amber-Rose: C:
Michaela:   Creeper
Michaela:   nohomo
Amber-Rose: Michaela commented on my wall post no homo
Michaela:   Amber left me a wall post, no homo
Amber-Rose: Michaela said my name no homo
Michaela:   Amber said my name, no homo >: |
Amber-Rose: Michaela was born nohomo jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk <3333333
Michaela:   WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY TO THAT
Michaela:   HUH
Michaela:   HUH
Michaela:   HUH
Michaela:   HUHU
Michaela:   AV LKSAFMN
Michaela:   no homo
Amber-Rose: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Amber-Rose: LOLOLOLOLO
Amber-Rose: OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLO
Amber-Rose: OLOLOL
Amber-Rose: OLOLO
Amber-Rose: LOLO
Amber-Rose: LOL
Amber-Rose: NOHOMO
Amber-Rose: LO
Michaela:   ‎*SCREAMS*
Michaela:   trololololololol
Amber-Rose: no homo
Michaela:   Chimney
Amber-Rose: PPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTCHIMERASPENIS
Michaela:   AMBER SAID PENIS
Michaela:   NO HOMO
Michaela:   even better
Michaela:   chimeras penis
Michaela:   no homo
Amber-Rose: no homo
Amber-Rose: HURDUR
Amber-Rose: nohomo
Amber-Rose: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Michaela:   STOP DISTRACTING ME FROM MY HOMEWORK
Michaela:   NO HOMO
Amber-Rose: nyannyannininininininininininininonhomonyanyannininininininyannininininnaynaynaynninininii
Michaela:   omfg no
Amber-Rose: do your homowork u homo
Michaela:   nyan cat
Michaela:   no homo
Michaela:   okay xd
Michaela:   xD
Michaela:   tits
Amber-Rose: michaela said tits no homo
Amber-Rose: okay srsly go du ur homowork
Michaela:   LOL okay okay enough of this faggotry
Amber-Rose: michaela said faggotry no homo
Amber-Rose: NO JK DO YOUR HOMEWORK LOL
Amber-Rose: thatssohomoerotic
Michaela:   LOLSHUTUP
Amber-Rose: ♥
Michaela:   Your homoerotic
Michaela:   no homo
Michaela:   erotic
Michaela:   okay
Amber-Rose: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ nohomo♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Michaela:   homowork
Michaela:   LOL HOMOWORK
Amber-Rose: ‎69thcommentnohomo
Michaela:   LOL AMBER SAID 69 NO HOMO
Michaela:   okay seriosuly
Michaela:   ‎...
Michaela:   spelling, no homo
Michaela:   okay
Michaela:   homework
Michaela:   go away ♥
Amber-Rose: BUT I LOVE YOU >33
Amber-Rose: <33* >>; okay I'm done i promis
Amber-Rose: e
Michaela:   lolol
Amber-Rose: Nowai I will get the last laugh see HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Amber-Rose: Don't you dare comment or I will get you
Amber-Rose: withmy 8=D
Michaela:   LOLNOSHUTUP
Michaela:   HA
Michaela:   HAH
Michaela:   HAAJXNKAJSKJCHKASKJ
Amber-Rose: BUTT.HOLE.
Amber-Rose: HAHAHA
Amber-Rose: AHAHAH
Amber-Rose: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHPENISHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAJH
Michaela:   Amber said butthole no homo
Amber-Rose: why are we so vulgar
Amber-Rose: ha
Amber-Rose: hahahah
Amber-Rose: ahashashahahhahasdjsdfjkhjsdf;gkdjfhgkjdfhgksdfjghdf
Michaela:   Cause your a homo
Michaela:   no homo
Michaela:   okay
Amber-Rose: no u
Amber-Rose: no
Amber-Rose: u
Amber-Rose: butthole
Amber-Rose: u
Michaela:   seriosly shut up x
Amber-Rose: hoel
Amber-Rose: no
Michaela:   xD*
Amber-Rose: no homo
Amber-Rose: y
Amber-Rose: u
Amber-Rose: no
Amber-Rose: u
Amber-Rose: ha <- last laugh
Michaela:   D: <
Michaela:   s my d
Amber-Rose: okay
Amber-Rose: present it
Michaela:   ‎119th comment
Amber-Rose: oh my god why are we so homo
Amber-Rose: stop posting
Amber-Rose: butthole
Amber-Rose: ha
Michaela:   in 5 minutes we have made 120 comm-- 125 comments
Michaela:   SHUT UP
Amber-Rose: hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho
Amber-Rose: mo
Michaela:   LOL
Amber-Rose: no
Michaela:   DGI YOU WIN
Amber-Rose: no
Amber-Rose: no
Amber-Rose: no
Amber-Rose: on
Amber-Rose: non
Amber-Rose: homo
Amber-Rose: ha
Amber-Rose: okay now I win
Amber-Rose: ha
Amber-Rose: gdi*
Michaela:   ‎..DAMN GOD IT
Michaela:   gdi
Michaela:   shut up x
Michaela:   xD
Michaela:   TITS
Michaela:   okay shut up
Amber-Rose: no homo
Michaela:   go away
Michaela:   no homo
Amber-Rose: stop talking
Amber-Rose: dude
Michaela:   ‎>_>
Amber-Rose: llolol
Michaela:   D: <
Amber-Rose: do your homowork
Amber-Rose: WHATEVER MOM ITS LIKE 2009
Michaela:   IM TRYING
Michaela:   NO HOMO
Amber-Rose: lsp reference no homo
Amber-Rose: DUDE I WANT THE LAST LAUGH YOU BITCH TART
Michaela:   read that as fart
Michaela:   OKAY IM DONE
Amber-Rose: this isn't over until the fat lady sings
Amber-Rose: ‎*sings
Amber-Rose: okay its over
Amber-Rose: ‎*
Michaela:   ‎...
Amber-Rose: the fat lady has sung
Michaela:   IM NO
Amber-Rose: homo
Amber-Rose: http://tinyurl.com/3m4z33t

I just can't.

I seriously can't.
I feel like crying and screaming and throwing everything because I'm so... I don't know.
I'm just annoyed with everyone, even my best friend whom I thought I never thought I would be angry with.
I'm just... I think its a mixture of stress, and exhaustion, and PMS, and... idk.
I just... I can't even.
I want to be hostile, but I don't because I feel like she's the only one I have left anymore.
I trust her, and she trusts me... at least I think she does...

My motives are stupid. Everything is. I'm just stupid.
I feel like I'm going crazy right now and I can't handle it.
I feel stupid as shit because my friend is upstairs sleeping while I sit here crying over fucking nothing.
I feel terrible because I'm getting mad over the stupidest shit.
But I guess I always have, right?
That makes me the shitty friend I am. The sad part is that I don't think my best friend even realized what kinda of shitty person I am in real life. She probably doesn't realize the shit she's in store for come May.

I'll probably be fighting with my other best friend, because I can feel it coming but I really really really really really really don't want to.
Just so many things have been bothering me but I'm too scared to say anything.
I don't think my opinion matters anyway. I figured that out near the end of the school year when I lost it all.
I still haven't gotten it back and I probably never will.

I'm so scared.
Just... I can't admit it unless it's hear.
Its weird because I'm totally spilling my guts to an audience of people I don't even know or probably don't even care about me.
To them, I 'm just another whine-y bitch on the internet. I don't blame them either.
Thats all I ever do
Whine
Complain
Bitch
Be there when I'm not wanted
God, that's all my entire life has been.

Especially lately.
All I have to do is bitch about work and school and how much my home situation sucks ass.
And right now, my shitty internet connection that I only really want right now to sit here and write this stupid blog entry that a grand total of one, maybe two, people would read.

Was it worth it? No. Because someone's going to mad at me. They always do.
I can't say the right thing. I never have been able to. That's a fact of life.
Because I'm a bitch.
I'm an ignorant bitch who only cares about herself.
Thats the way it has been and thats the only way it will ever be.

I feel like exploding.
I feel like ending it all.
I really do.
Save everyone else the suffering I cause them.
Because I know she's probably upset
or feels guilty
but I feel like shit because I made her feel like crap because I'm stupid
because she got sick, it's not her fault.
But I'm upset anyway.

I know I'm upset because I didn't get my way
because thats all I ever want
because all I want is MY WAY and if I don't get it
I turn into the ignorant bitch I always am

because when the only things I ever HAVE anymore are taken away from me
Like Acen with my two best friends.
But thats probably not happening now for whatever reason.
becayseadfhkdgfd
I can't.
I just can't.
I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to kill everybody in the world

-Skrillex

Seriously, that song has been extremely relevant to the past few days of my life.

Thursday was horribly nerve wracking.
I had an entire coffee cup of nothing but pure expresso
I was shaking so badly it wasn't even funny
And OMG~ my Dongwoo came in the mail.
So I wore it to school.
I was so excited for my lunch, but because some douche canoes wanted to start a food fight they changed all the lunches around. No D lunch for me. :\
At least graphics was okay. My friend and I took 89 pictures and we made pizza on the shirt dryer.


Then the night kinda went from good to bad. My mo was a being her usual bitch self and I ended up getting "grounded".
I told her that if she groundedme I would tell my dad about the rats and what not, since he doesn't know about them.
She suddenly got all guilty and told me I didn't talk to her enough blah blah blah

I went to bed angry
And I woke up in a fairly decent mood
I was having such a good morning until my friend texted me
Her mother apparently changed her mind on coming with me to Wisconsin
Whether I believe her or not is my own business.
She'll probably read this and get insulted but~ I can't do anything right.

My morning ended terribly. My friend picked me up and we went and saw Sucker Punch
that movie
was
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING X10034980328432

Thats all I had to say about that.
By the time th emovie was over I was like "Oh, maybe this day won't be so bad after all! My first day of spring break is turning out a-okay!"

Wrong.

I checked my phone, my friend Allisan had called me 3 times and texted me 5

To tell me I had to work
Because my manager never informed me of this

I was so mad I screamed at her over the phone.
I felt so bad afterward because it wasn't her fault
Then I screamed at the people I was with
Then I screamed at my mom because she had to take the car home so I could actually GET there

And so I went to work and that ended up to be just as horrible as the rest of everything else in the world

Night ended terribly again


And then finally Saturday rolled around

After asking several people, one finally agreed to go to a concert with me as well as Wisconsin

Which is where I am now

The concert was okay. We actually left after the first band because they were as terrible as *censor*

When we came back security bitched because we weren't 21 but my sister and her friends were there and their way of getting home was dependant on me

The band playing was actually really good., They're called Breathe Electric

Good enough tghat I bought a CD and Bracelet
the last band sucked

we got lost on the way there, and when we got to the venue (2 minutes before the show started, might I add) we found the venue had been changed to a totally different town

So we went to that venue, which was a makor downgrade from the last one

We got lost on the way there so we were 15 minutes late

The show commenced and we then got lost on the way back

I was so frustrated that I stopped at a gas station, got out of the car and went inside without saying anything to anyone.

I actually got some motor oil since my oil light was on and did that
It was funny cause these guys asked me if I needed help, which I didn't. It probably looked weird because I was using a Panda Express menu as a funnel

You know, desperate times call for desperate measures!
When I got back in the car my sister asked me about it
"Did those guys ask you for help?"
"Yeah."
"Why"
and my friend says
"Becuase shes a girl and she was putting oil in her car. They assumed she didn't know what she was doing."

Sexist bastards >:|
Jk, they were just being nice ahaha.

BUt anyway
After much screaming and crying and frustration I finally got home on a very simple route in less than half the time of the initial trip

After dropping off the last of our friends, my sister said something about tampons and I laughed for a good ten minutes straight, while driving.

So yeah

Okay I'm going to go before I rage and kill people because this day has been shitty as well.

good night.

FUCK.

Just... FUCK.
I'm so infuriated but... I don't want to say anything.
I won't
And it'll end badly.
But I don't fucking care.

God I feel like punching holes through my walls.

Just this close.

Yeah, it's been a while since I posted. I've wanted to but I couldn't get the motivation to do so. I think its because this has just became a blog for my incessant bitching, and nothing more. Then again, I don't really care. At least I have somewhere to vent. If you don't like it, then you can just gtfo my blog. c;
So...
The last month or so has completely and utterly sucked. I'm getting in trouble at school for uh.. truancy. My mother has the tendency NOT to call me in when I don't go to school. I told her I get in trouble for it when she doesn't, but she seriously forgot the day after I told her that. I don't blame her, she's had a lot to deal with lately.

For starters, my dad no longer lives with us. It's come to the point where he came and stayed for the weekend. Both my sisters ended up in inpatient but they're both in outpatient now. I'm surprised no one has sent me in yet. I think it's because I haven't come straight out and said I have some beef.

I really do, though. I don't want to go, just because it seems like a lot of work and well... it just seems like the people there are just shoving a bunch of petty bullshit down your throat. All they really care about is judging people. I know I haven't been myself, but once again... with what my sisters have told me, that's what it sounds like.

They look at what you wear, what music you listen to, your sexual orientation, etc. and just tell you to change it. They usually tell them that other people aren't the problem, so they can't blame it on anyone else. Well, if someone's bothering you then tell them to get the fuck out. I don't think anyone goes there to change themselves, or their personality. They want to get better without doing that.

I mean... for example, someone in one of my sister's groups really liked the song "Hotel California". All they had to say about it was "Do you even know what that song is about?" Well, yes... obviously. They assumed she listened to it because it was a reflection of her life or something. I  mean... what the hell? Really? Get a life.


Ah, so...  yeah, back to what I was saying. My dad is hardly living with us anymore. It actually bothers me, but at the same time I'm glad he's gone. I feel like a completely terrible person for saying something like that but... it's so much easier. When he's here, my mom is stressing out. She feels like she has to do all this stuff for him. She really does, but she wants this done, that done... She hardly sleeps because she's afraid she's going to wake up with him dead or something.

Work isn't as terrible as it used to be. Since it's winter now, I have no complaints... other than the fact it's become boring. I'm really glad my friend has been working the same days as me because holy hell.. if I was the only busser there I would be really. really. bored. It's been so slow lately. I don't mind going as much now because I'm actually in a better mood there than home.

Truancy. Ah, I don't even understand it to be honest with you. The dean and the counselors are so... vague. They don't tell me anything. They just say "Oh, you've been gone for over ten days!", tell me they're mailing a letter and then that's the end of it. I don't really know what the limit is because when I try to find out, google's retarded and can't just give me the laws. It has to come up with thousands of results about the comparison of laws or some long winded thing about the laws of every state. I don't care about Oregon's laws, I just want to know Illinois' laws.

I think I'll have to look m ore into that. If not, I'll just ask my mom to stick me in outpatient therapy. It seems like both  my sisters are continuing with their schooling. If I get held back I'm going to be pissed. They miss... I don't know, three and a half weeks out of every month. I miss maybe five days a month and I'm getting held back. I pass all my classes with B-'s at the lowest and they pass with WIP's and Incompletes. It doesn't seem right to me. The person who's just failing on their own will go onto being a senior while the person struggling to make it through the week gets held back because the school didn't get their money. Guess what, Kaneland? The state owing you money isn't my problem.

I don't want you to tell me "But now we can't get new textbooks!" or "Oh no! Old computers!"

You would buy out of date computers anyway, so fuck you.
And new textbooks? I don't care. 99/100 kids have internet access. Make them do their homework that way.
OH WAIT, I FORGOT!
How does I know what internet is? I only know corn.
Fucking idiots. I've never experienced such a lack of brain cells in my life.
Note to Algebra 2 class: There is no such thing as Geometry 2. You just came from an Algebra class, not a Geometry class. Just sayin'.
Note to Cheerleader: Saying no one likes you because you're a cheerleader doesn't make people like you. It just reminds people like me that I'm smarter than you. By the way, get your face fixed.
Note to Teenage Female: There is no such thing as "Gray Tea". Are you dumb? Earl Grey is black tea, not "gray tea"
Note to Entire English Class: A NAUTILUS is a crustacean. A NOVELIST writes books.


There are so many reasons as to why I can't stand going to school anymore. I know part of it is my lack of sleep. I just... I can't do it. I don't know why. I wish I had more motivation to get up in the morning. I did for about a week, then I don't know what happened. I guess I had one too-late night and it threw me off. Maybe I was reminded how much I hate it when I stayed home for a doctor's appointment.

I don't even... I can't even.

Part of me is wanting to drop out. I think it's because lately, I've just been reminded over and over how much of a failure I really am. My teachers are so "impressed" by my smarts or my talent. I don't think I have either. I'm good at math, and I think that teacher likes me. I sure hope she does. She was impressed because I'm supposedly caught up in her class. Explain to me why you don't put my homework grades in, or why you just assume I'm ready for a test, then wonder why I failed it?

I wonder if you could make your way as a graphic designer without a diploma. I shouldn't drop out but... who am I kidding? I can't do this shit anymore. It's too much, way too much. I need something, ANYTHING taken out of my life so I can just... get this over with. School shouldn't be it... probably my job, but that hardly plays a role in my life anyway. My family isn't going away... I don't even know anymore. Maybe friends? What's left of them at least... I only really have two anymore. That I at least enjoy talking to.

I feel like one's going to be gone by summer, or maybe by the end of senior year. It scares me, it really does. I want to keep her, and I want to keep in contact out of high school but it seems like a fantasy. I don't know... maybe she will. May be we will. I guess I'm looking too far ahead. I think I need to focus on the now... Lately, I just ignore everything and let it run out. If I get screwed over, then so be it. Sucks to be me! I don't think anyone really cares anyway.

The other, I'm supposed to live with. I really don't have a problem with it, but sometimes she just... annoys me. I don't want to tell her that because we are pretty good friends. I guess its not really annoyance, its more... frustrated.

Aand my third main friend just... I don't even know what to say about her. She's really egotistical, arrogant, excessive... There's so many choice words I have for her. The sad part is if I stopped being friends with her she would off herself or something. She would tell everyone she didn't care but on the inside she would be crumbling. I only know because I've seen it.

Chances are, I will be back within the next few days to complain some more. If you read this far I would really have to congratulate you. I would throw you a party, but I'm a little broke.

Why am I such a failure?

No, really. Why?

Whatevs yo

Happy Valentines Day
Or Sorry your valentines day sucked because you were single like the majority of the people in this world.

Or whatever.

Idk

My valentines day was cool because GUESS WHAT
I STAYED HOME FROM SCHOOL AND SLEPT UNTIL 2PM :D

Why did I do this?
Oh yeah, I stayed up until 1 am making chocolates for teachers and people I hate.
I'm never eating chocolate again.

Wow I totally have a life.

Okay so...
I've been roleplaying until about 4 am the past three days.
I've looked at pictures of men on lookbook since about... 7 pm. Going onto my fourth hour.

I have also signed up for vampire freaks.

Not much to do there.

I think if people saw the amount of men I look at, they wouldn't think I was a lesbian anymore.

/huff

Yeah so
I don't know
I didn't go to school for two days because I was too tired.
Actually, I take that back.
I was going to go today, and then it turned around and bit me in the ass.
I missed the bus by like... one minute and my mom threw a shit fit
So I told her I would stay home, considering that my sisters are every one's number one priority.

I'm not worried about getting caught up, basically because it's too early in the year for me to be missing anything I don't already know. 8|

I'm going to write up my resume for graphics.
The only thing I AM worried about
is the fact that I was supposed to sign up for classes for next year.
Everyone knows that if you miss the day, your schedule will be fucked hard in the ass.
I need a certain class.
I don't want it.
I need it.

And if I don't get it, I'm going to die.
Seriously.

There are various other things playing a part in my
not-wanting-to-go-to-school attitude
and there are other things playing a part in my
I-need-to-get-these-classes attitude
I can only talk about that to one person, though.
Or at least thats what I feel like.
I don't want to fight and I don't want to be called ridiculous or paranoid or whatever.
/sigh

I'm honestly terrified of my senior year.
I hardly even know how college works because my school expects every one's parents to teach them that or something.
My parents didn't go to college, so... I'm out of luck.
I feel like a fucking retard going on google to find this shit out.
I should probably talk to a councilor, but I don't really trust them.
I don't trust therapists, psychiatrists, or anyone in that sort of field.

Everything they learn comes out of a text book.

Brb Freaking out

OKay so
I don't think I have ever freaked out about finals before.
I think it's because this year, I actually have to try to get a good grade.
Time to power read through the Great Gatsby
GUH I HATE THIS BOOK /hulksmash

Sick

So, lucky me, I got sick.
I didn't have internet until late last Wednesday... not that it really matters.
I'm finding the internet is starting to become progressively boring.
I used to roleplay, I still TRY to roleplay but... uhg. I don't even know.
Gaia is starting to make me feel like a failure.
All my roleplays die and no one joins them.
I have NO. IDEA. WHY. Like, seriously.
This time, I even made everything SIMPLE and still, NO ONE joins.
I even made them use anime pictures, which I hate, and still... here I am, trying to recruit but nothing's working e_e
I think Gaia has the right idea though. I am a pretty big failure.
I mean, look at my grades.
I'm getting a D in English 11 because my teacher assigns me things when I'm gone without explaining them.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them and I feel like a fucking idiot when I ask.
We're reading one of the most boring books I've ever read.
And not only that, the author puts so much into one SINGLE detail. It makes it more boring than entertaining.
Ever read the Great Gatsby? Yeah, thats the one. I hate it.
I stopped reading it after getting half way through the first chapter.
Maybe I should just watch the movie or maybe watch some grass grow. That'll be about 100x more interesting.
Grass Growing > A guy talking about how nice his cousin's tits are

I'm getting C's in Walking for Wellness and US History
I tried to get my grade up in walking, but I could only finish nine make up assignments before the deadline when I needed about fifteen...

US History is just a problem in itself.
For the first half of the year, we had a student teacher... I was gone the last two days he was there so I have NO WAY of turning in those assignments. Not only that, he gave me zeros on assignments I turned in.
Oh, and my real teacher's lectures are... BEYOND boring. I mean, he talks for an hour and expects me to listen. Just... uhg its unbearable...

I think I'm getting a B in my graphics class... And its because I haven't turned in two assignments yet since they were due a few days ago. She'll take them.. hopefully... I think she's the only reasonable and likable teacher I have.

I haven't gone for three days now, so I'm pretty much screwed since finals are on Thursday and Friday. Its Monday now.

I'm honestly feeling better, but I'm really lacking motivation. Its not only that, but I honestly think I'm too embarrassed to go to school for various reasons. Starting with my sister, and ending with my gaining 20 pounds and breaking out like no tomorrow. I'm losing hope for that, so I might as well just give up. I'm eternally damned to ugliness, both inside and out.

So, ontop of  missing school, my family is becoming more and more dysfunctional as the days progress.
My dad is staying at my grandparent's house while my mom deals with my sister.
And by that, I mean she's in the hospital.
She's not like... sick or hurt or anything...
She's been cutting herself.. and for a while now.
My dad decided to blame it on my mom, so she's always on edge.
She's not as pissed off as I thought she would be though.
Well, she was... for like, an hour. Then she wasn't so it was okay.
Actually... not really. She decided to go out Saturday night. I told her I was okay with it, as long as she didn't get drunk.
Then she texted me at like, 11 asking if it was okay if she got a little drunk.
I told her yeah, as long as she doesn't get angry drunk.
Which she didn't.
She was in her happy-loopy drunk stage when she got home.
All was well, and then we started watching Valley Girls because she wanted me to see Nicolas Cage. xD;
We sat there and talked about how hot he was and stuff. It was really funny.
Then I got Evander out and we fed him Doritos.
She said something about how we're alike and stuff, and how we have a certain bond.
Its the same way with my sister and my dad.
She pointed out the last time she had problems with my sister (the one in the hospital) was when he was traveling a lot, and she's doing the same thing now because she doesn't have my dad.
I can guarantee that if my mom wasn't here I would be clinically insane, because I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
I think the thought of losing either my parents is pretty unbearable, but right now I feel like I've already lost one.
Sure, he's alive and all but my mom said she wants to divorce him because she can't deal with the way he treats her.
Its all because of my grandparents. I can't tell if they're doing it intentionally or not.
He listens to everything they say, and they say... well.. the wrong things, and do everything for him.
Its the complete opposite here because its part of the process my dad has to go through. He can't always get what he wants.
Then she asked if her being drunk was bothering me and I told her no.
And then she told me about how my sisters and the rest of my family was unaware of how much my dad was actually drinking before the accident. She was planning to divorce him before this because of it.

I started bawling and she asked me why I was crying and I told her I didn't know.
Because really, I didn't. All I've wanted to do for the past three days is cry, and I don't know why.
I feel like I can't deal with this anymore, but I don't want to admit it.
Then again I kinda did but... I don't know. It doesn't sound right.
I think its because we're so alike. She said that both of us have the type of personality where we sit there and pretend things don't bother us... so we bottle them up for so long until we finally burst and everything gets worse than it was.
And both of us are too worried about other people, and want to see everyone else happy, but at the same time we end up ignoring our own lack of happiness. Is it strange if I really don't care? Well, more of I've come to the point where I don't care. There are so many things that still bother me now, and the mere mention of them make me want to throw up or cause me to feel my own heart breaking, but I just ignore it and close myself off... trying to completely avoid the situation.

Maybe I need to see a therapist like mom says we all should.
It sounds like a good idea but I'm not entirely comfortable with telling some stranger all of my problems.
And honestly, I don't want to have to take pills, or get told "its all in my head" because thats EXACTLY what they told my sister. I said they were stupid and didn't know what our daily life was like. I was insulted by what they told her, and she told me that I couldn't say things like that. It upset me even more.


I don't know. My life is so fucked up right now.
I feel like this is the only place I can really say whats on my mind without judgment from anyone... but I don't think that's going to happen.
People who read this are probably going to call me crazy and tell me I'm over exaggerating but what the hell did I expect? No one in this world seems to give a shit. Except maybe one person... but... she's too far away.

First Post for 2011

Oh my god.
So, getting into the new year wasn't exactly my cup of tea.
I ended up working New Year's Eve.
Okay, I already hated work BUT OH MY GOD that was crazy.
Three pages of reservations with about 400 people
and then the dish washer was washing SO SLOWLY
Like, we ran out of glasses, silverware, dinner plates, bread plates...

So then when someone didn't get their drinks
OF COURSE
it's the busser's fault.

Wah wah cry about it. Seriously. :|

Anyway
So far the new year has been fairy decent.... I guess
I stayed home for the past two days cause I'm sick with what my mom called "a good ol' fashion cold"

I didn't spend much time with friends over winter break
basically, because I was working
Well... I don't know., I  guess I did.
I went to a friend's house that I haven't hung out since like.. April. It was decent, and we had a nice time at Wal Mart :U I guess we're hanging out this weekend too. c:
My best friend came over for the first time since... I think Dir en Grey? I hope you know how much that meant to me <3
Uuh and then I went out with these two people named Deidra and Allisan
omfg seriously
PetLand, Goodwill, and BuyBuy Baby
That was some crazy shit right there.

And then Monday I went to Best Buy, Borders and Steak n Shake with Deidra again
I think I have to hang out with her more often xDD


Anyway, other than that...
My dad got his head fixed so he doesn't have a gaping hole anymore
And my sister got put in a mental institution
Well, I don't know if thats what you would call it but... whatever.
I haven't decided how I feel about that yet, get back to me when I'm coherent.