Just this close.

Yeah, it's been a while since I posted. I've wanted to but I couldn't get the motivation to do so. I think its because this has just became a blog for my incessant bitching, and nothing more. Then again, I don't really care. At least I have somewhere to vent. If you don't like it, then you can just gtfo my blog. c;
So...
The last month or so has completely and utterly sucked. I'm getting in trouble at school for uh.. truancy. My mother has the tendency NOT to call me in when I don't go to school. I told her I get in trouble for it when she doesn't, but she seriously forgot the day after I told her that. I don't blame her, she's had a lot to deal with lately.

For starters, my dad no longer lives with us. It's come to the point where he came and stayed for the weekend. Both my sisters ended up in inpatient but they're both in outpatient now. I'm surprised no one has sent me in yet. I think it's because I haven't come straight out and said I have some beef.

I really do, though. I don't want to go, just because it seems like a lot of work and well... it just seems like the people there are just shoving a bunch of petty bullshit down your throat. All they really care about is judging people. I know I haven't been myself, but once again... with what my sisters have told me, that's what it sounds like.

They look at what you wear, what music you listen to, your sexual orientation, etc. and just tell you to change it. They usually tell them that other people aren't the problem, so they can't blame it on anyone else. Well, if someone's bothering you then tell them to get the fuck out. I don't think anyone goes there to change themselves, or their personality. They want to get better without doing that.

I mean... for example, someone in one of my sister's groups really liked the song "Hotel California". All they had to say about it was "Do you even know what that song is about?" Well, yes... obviously. They assumed she listened to it because it was a reflection of her life or something. I  mean... what the hell? Really? Get a life.


Ah, so...  yeah, back to what I was saying. My dad is hardly living with us anymore. It actually bothers me, but at the same time I'm glad he's gone. I feel like a completely terrible person for saying something like that but... it's so much easier. When he's here, my mom is stressing out. She feels like she has to do all this stuff for him. She really does, but she wants this done, that done... She hardly sleeps because she's afraid she's going to wake up with him dead or something.

Work isn't as terrible as it used to be. Since it's winter now, I have no complaints... other than the fact it's become boring. I'm really glad my friend has been working the same days as me because holy hell.. if I was the only busser there I would be really. really. bored. It's been so slow lately. I don't mind going as much now because I'm actually in a better mood there than home.

Truancy. Ah, I don't even understand it to be honest with you. The dean and the counselors are so... vague. They don't tell me anything. They just say "Oh, you've been gone for over ten days!", tell me they're mailing a letter and then that's the end of it. I don't really know what the limit is because when I try to find out, google's retarded and can't just give me the laws. It has to come up with thousands of results about the comparison of laws or some long winded thing about the laws of every state. I don't care about Oregon's laws, I just want to know Illinois' laws.

I think I'll have to look m ore into that. If not, I'll just ask my mom to stick me in outpatient therapy. It seems like both  my sisters are continuing with their schooling. If I get held back I'm going to be pissed. They miss... I don't know, three and a half weeks out of every month. I miss maybe five days a month and I'm getting held back. I pass all my classes with B-'s at the lowest and they pass with WIP's and Incompletes. It doesn't seem right to me. The person who's just failing on their own will go onto being a senior while the person struggling to make it through the week gets held back because the school didn't get their money. Guess what, Kaneland? The state owing you money isn't my problem.

I don't want you to tell me "But now we can't get new textbooks!" or "Oh no! Old computers!"

You would buy out of date computers anyway, so fuck you.
And new textbooks? I don't care. 99/100 kids have internet access. Make them do their homework that way.
OH WAIT, I FORGOT!
How does I know what internet is? I only know corn.
Fucking idiots. I've never experienced such a lack of brain cells in my life.
Note to Algebra 2 class: There is no such thing as Geometry 2. You just came from an Algebra class, not a Geometry class. Just sayin'.
Note to Cheerleader: Saying no one likes you because you're a cheerleader doesn't make people like you. It just reminds people like me that I'm smarter than you. By the way, get your face fixed.
Note to Teenage Female: There is no such thing as "Gray Tea". Are you dumb? Earl Grey is black tea, not "gray tea"
Note to Entire English Class: A NAUTILUS is a crustacean. A NOVELIST writes books.


There are so many reasons as to why I can't stand going to school anymore. I know part of it is my lack of sleep. I just... I can't do it. I don't know why. I wish I had more motivation to get up in the morning. I did for about a week, then I don't know what happened. I guess I had one too-late night and it threw me off. Maybe I was reminded how much I hate it when I stayed home for a doctor's appointment.

I don't even... I can't even.

Part of me is wanting to drop out. I think it's because lately, I've just been reminded over and over how much of a failure I really am. My teachers are so "impressed" by my smarts or my talent. I don't think I have either. I'm good at math, and I think that teacher likes me. I sure hope she does. She was impressed because I'm supposedly caught up in her class. Explain to me why you don't put my homework grades in, or why you just assume I'm ready for a test, then wonder why I failed it?

I wonder if you could make your way as a graphic designer without a diploma. I shouldn't drop out but... who am I kidding? I can't do this shit anymore. It's too much, way too much. I need something, ANYTHING taken out of my life so I can just... get this over with. School shouldn't be it... probably my job, but that hardly plays a role in my life anyway. My family isn't going away... I don't even know anymore. Maybe friends? What's left of them at least... I only really have two anymore. That I at least enjoy talking to.

I feel like one's going to be gone by summer, or maybe by the end of senior year. It scares me, it really does. I want to keep her, and I want to keep in contact out of high school but it seems like a fantasy. I don't know... maybe she will. May be we will. I guess I'm looking too far ahead. I think I need to focus on the now... Lately, I just ignore everything and let it run out. If I get screwed over, then so be it. Sucks to be me! I don't think anyone really cares anyway.

The other, I'm supposed to live with. I really don't have a problem with it, but sometimes she just... annoys me. I don't want to tell her that because we are pretty good friends. I guess its not really annoyance, its more... frustrated.

Aand my third main friend just... I don't even know what to say about her. She's really egotistical, arrogant, excessive... There's so many choice words I have for her. The sad part is if I stopped being friends with her she would off herself or something. She would tell everyone she didn't care but on the inside she would be crumbling. I only know because I've seen it.

Chances are, I will be back within the next few days to complain some more. If you read this far I would really have to congratulate you. I would throw you a party, but I'm a little broke.