I just can't.

I seriously can't.
I feel like crying and screaming and throwing everything because I'm so... I don't know.
I'm just annoyed with everyone, even my best friend whom I thought I never thought I would be angry with.
I'm just... I think its a mixture of stress, and exhaustion, and PMS, and... idk.
I just... I can't even.
I want to be hostile, but I don't because I feel like she's the only one I have left anymore.
I trust her, and she trusts me... at least I think she does...

My motives are stupid. Everything is. I'm just stupid.
I feel like I'm going crazy right now and I can't handle it.
I feel stupid as shit because my friend is upstairs sleeping while I sit here crying over fucking nothing.
I feel terrible because I'm getting mad over the stupidest shit.
But I guess I always have, right?
That makes me the shitty friend I am. The sad part is that I don't think my best friend even realized what kinda of shitty person I am in real life. She probably doesn't realize the shit she's in store for come May.

I'll probably be fighting with my other best friend, because I can feel it coming but I really really really really really really don't want to.
Just so many things have been bothering me but I'm too scared to say anything.
I don't think my opinion matters anyway. I figured that out near the end of the school year when I lost it all.
I still haven't gotten it back and I probably never will.

I'm so scared.
Just... I can't admit it unless it's hear.
Its weird because I'm totally spilling my guts to an audience of people I don't even know or probably don't even care about me.
To them, I 'm just another whine-y bitch on the internet. I don't blame them either.
Thats all I ever do
Whine
Complain
Bitch
Be there when I'm not wanted
God, that's all my entire life has been.

Especially lately.
All I have to do is bitch about work and school and how much my home situation sucks ass.
And right now, my shitty internet connection that I only really want right now to sit here and write this stupid blog entry that a grand total of one, maybe two, people would read.

Was it worth it? No. Because someone's going to mad at me. They always do.
I can't say the right thing. I never have been able to. That's a fact of life.
Because I'm a bitch.
I'm an ignorant bitch who only cares about herself.
Thats the way it has been and thats the only way it will ever be.

I feel like exploding.
I feel like ending it all.
I really do.
Save everyone else the suffering I cause them.
Because I know she's probably upset
or feels guilty
but I feel like shit because I made her feel like crap because I'm stupid
because she got sick, it's not her fault.
But I'm upset anyway.

I know I'm upset because I didn't get my way
because thats all I ever want
because all I want is MY WAY and if I don't get it
I turn into the ignorant bitch I always am

because when the only things I ever HAVE anymore are taken away from me
Like Acen with my two best friends.
But thats probably not happening now for whatever reason.
becayseadfhkdgfd
I can't.
I just can't.
I don't want to do this anymore.