Mind Control

I have no idea what this is supposed to be about. I'm actually sitting in my school library, in the corner at a table by myself during class and finding places to blog. Why? I finished my project, and now I am bored.

For the most part, the only thing I'm really feeling is me wanting to go back to bed. I had work yesterday. It was so slow to the point me, my friend who is a server, my manager, and the cook, were all sitting at the bar talking about how insanely stupid the people from our school are.

To put this in perspective, this girl told me she was going to Harvard... then proceeded to ask me who the Diary Of Anne Frank was by. My chef laughed so hard he choked on his soup.

They also think Earl Grey tea is gray tea and that we have Geometry 2 as a class (they said my algebra 2 class was geometry 2)

A girl asked about four times in the same day what an antonym was.

Oh, and a girl from my english class insists that Obama is part of Al Queda.

Okay. Whatever you say.

Anyway...

Another problem I have been facing with this being tired thing, is the fact is really really isn't helping my mood at all. I keep getting headaches from a lack of sleep and eating so my body kind of hates me now. Falling asleep takes me hours, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well, other than take a few of the melatonin pills I have in my room. I refuse to take them, though. I know they can't hurt me but I feel that if I do take them I will die in my sleep.

I guess the fact that I had to go to school, take a detention, and then go to work didn't help at all. I also had to, you know, shower and what not too. I didn't get to lie down until midnight.

My mom started to blame me for her lack of money (again). I don't know why she doesn't understand that she is allowed to say no, but she doesn't. It kind of set me off in a little fit and I ended up crying all night.

Lately, thats all I've really been doing -- crying. It sounds petty and stupid, but its true. I don't feel good about anything. I always feel like people are talking about me, or don't actually want to talk to me even though they are. This is especially true with my best friend from Virginia.

Its a constant feeling, even though she generally tells me that I don't bother her or annoy her, even though I basically text her until she texts me back... if she texts me back. Usually, she does later at night while I'm laying in bed, already freaking out because she hasn't already.

I feel so incredibly stupid. I keep telling myself that she lives on the other side of the country, and that it wasn't like we had anything anyway, but I feel like we did. She was one of my best friends -- my better friends, and she has seen me through a lot of highs and lows.

The fact she doesn't talk to me anymore is almost physically painful. I think I'm jealous, because she has a boyfriend now too. Her job prevents her from doing pretty much anything, and I'm afraid she'll overwork herself but shes wanted a job for as long as I've known her... I'm pretty confident that she won't.

Just the idea of me losing her as a friend makes me want to cry. In fact, I'm trying not to right now. If there was one thing I hated the most, it would be crying in public. Its terrible, especially when you don't want to talk to anyone.

Meeting her was something I was looking forward to... really looking forward to. I feel like thats just a fantasy too, and she's going to leave and forget all about me. I don't know how else to put it. -__-