Wasting Time

I feel so crappy. I only feel as though I have one person to talk to, but we don't talk often.

My problems seem so miniscule, and every time I want to talk about it I feel terrible and as though I'm wasting her time. Its not that I feel like I'm wasting her time in the sense that she doesn't want to talk to me. I feel more like I'm wasting time in the sense I'll spend all my time talking about shit that doesn't matter when theres so much more I would rather say.

It doesn't help that all I have been doing lately is bitch.

I apologized once today to another friend, but yeah. Nothing has really changed. I don't even think my apology meant much to her. My previous post still stands, though. I still hate Adele, and I know I'm taking it too far, but I'm to the point I want to establish my viewpoint on it because it seems more like everyone is assuming I don't like her FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE that she is overweight. The more she bothers me about Adele, the more I want to insult Adele because its pissing me off.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like everything is limited. More importantly, my friendships.

I have three very important ones, and I value each of them in a different way.

One, she lives far away. We met on the internet, and I have mentioned her several times before. Everytime we don't talk or we stop talking randomly, I feel like I've completely lost her. I'm kind of scared, actually. It seems like this is a pattern for me, and eventually I will be forgotten. Everytime I read a post she made, I get depressed and just remind myself I'm just some chick she met on the internet. I want to think our relationship is different, but I can't help it.

One, I've been friends with for about five years now. We fought, and we fought a lot. Quite honestly, I am SO happy that her boyfriend and I get along again. It kind of seems like him and I picked up where we left off, and for that I am really thankful for. I mean, we still fight, but its more nit-picky, fucking with each other kind of fights. Right now, its going a little to far and I feel like we're both instigating it. I'm not going to deny it. The past few days I have been a royal pain in the ass to everyone, and I don't know why. I just feel like being a bitch. Part of it is because I'm just a big fucking asshole anyway, and I'm PMSing like a mother fucker. I think I'm just going to  go back to being the anti-social quiet one that doesn't have much of an opinion anymore. I think things were better that way.

The last one is like... god, I love our friendship. We're so alike, and we know each other so well. I don't even know what to say about it.  I've known her for as long as I have the second one, and we actually really hated each other at first. Well... I hated her. Either way, now its like... We've never really fought /knock on wood/ and because of her, I actually grew a bit of a back bone and I can thank her for that. I really love her blunt personality, and the fact she doesn't take shit from people.I like the fact she honestly critiques my art, and it has helped me so much in the past few years. Shes always willing to help me when I need it, and I return the favor as much as I can. Even if its just giving her a ride somewhere, or spotting her a few dollars for food, or helping her clean her house.

I can honestly say, this is one of the best friendships I've ever had, and I am so glad that it finally gave me enough of a backbone to stand up to someone I was friends with for over nine years, and cut her off completely. I'm not saying its her fault for me no longer liking her, its just the fact that she had been bothering me and putting me down and all this other stuff for SO MANY YEARS and I finally told her I couldn't take it anymore. I'm glad I'm no longer talking to her, and I really hope the people at my school no longer associate myself with  her because I really regret ever being as stupid with her as I ever was.