.

So Amber, welcome to the world of no longer existing.

Again.

No matter how many times she tells me she won't ignore me its a lie, because she ignored me all day.

I know she was at work for some of it, but just... mother fucking hell.

I don't want to be ignored again.

She said she wouldn't do it but she did it with her last boyfriend too. She barely talked to me for like... two months. When crap in their relationship went bad she needed me again. I kind of already don't like him, but I can't really say that because I don't know any of them. But once again,  I'm just being insanely jealous and we tend to dislike the people we envy.

I want her to be happy, and I want to make sure she's okay... but I don't want to stop existing either. Its a terrible TERRIBLE feeling. When people say I make it out to be worse than it actually is, it really hurts because they don't really know. Usually the person telling me this are the people who are ignoring me, or they're trying to one-up me.

Its really hard especially because I already have really bad trust issues and when this keeps happening to me it makes me not want to get close to anyone anymore. Every time I do something comes by and snatches them away from me and I don't like it. I can't stand it.

When I said I feel like all my friend's 'love' or whatever the fuck you want to call it is conditional, I meant it. It really really is. I don't want to just be wanted when something doesn't go their way... I want a friend who will be a friend 24/7 no  matter who they're with.

There is so much bothering me about everyone lately and I don't have anyone to really talk about it with. I mean, I have one person but I don't want to bother her more than I already think I do -- but I know I don't? Its complicated. I feel terrible talking about my friends behind their backs but... its not even really talking about them? Its venting. I really really need a place to vent where I don't have to worry about them seeing it.

I don't mind talking here for some reason even though there is that huge risk, and... I don't know.

I feel sick. I've had an overall terrible day and it just seems to be getting worse.

I know none of this is making sense, but thats okay. Its not really making me feel any better so I don't know why I keep writing. Its just making me feel sick and like I'm going to cry... I don't know why I came back online because I already was sick and now I'm just going to be paranoid all night.