Social Interaction

I feel like the most undesirable human being in the world. I've barely talked to anyone in the past week or so. I've just been stuck at home and at school. My mom keeps complaining that I'm never home, but even then I'm still at school. Lately I've been staying after to help paint a wall mural for our senior class. So far, thats been the only thing I have been doing.

They cut  my work hours in half so I can't even do that, while they doubled my friends. Shes gone for over half the week, and I can't really complain because it doesn't bother me that much. Its everyone else that is.

Everyone I know lives too far away for me to go get them and I feel bad if they waste their gas to come all the way to my house or to go anywhere at all. One moved closer but lately it feels like I have to beg her to do anything with me. I'm sorry Michaela, but you're probably reading this and you're probably getting mad at me but I guess this is why my blog is called bad ventilation.

At the moment I'm kind of happy because I got over it to an extent. I think everything else that happened after that fact just kind of put me over the edge.

I asked my mom Sunday morning if she wanted to go out to Brunch with me. I offered to pay and drive there. She was basically my last resort because I had literally no one else to do anything with on my one day off. She told me no. I asked her why and she said she didn't want to.

I was done. Not even my own mother wanted to hang out with me. I honestly went to my room and cried for about twenty minutes before I texted my sister and asked her. Even then, I still had to fight with her because she felt bad for leaving her boyfriend at our house by himself even though we do all the time.

I finally got her to go and for a while everything was fine and dandy. I went and got some plants and gardened for a bit but it just resulted in me being very tired and gave me too much time for me and myself.

Everything that I had been thinking for the past month or so just came flooding back. I took a shower, skipped dinner and went to bed. It was only about 8 o clock but I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4.

During that time I was talking to my friend in Virginia... or at least trying to. I was bawling for a good two hours and even though she kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong or that no one hated me whatever I still felt like shit.

She was posting on tumblr about how her mind was being insensitive or something and its still making me feel like crap even though its almost Wednesday now. The fact I'm still thinking about Sunday in general is making me hate myself.

I just feel like I'm bothering her far too much with my problems and its starting to make me feel completely useless. Just right now, using the word "I" and "me" is driving me up the wall. Its like, I'm just complaining about my problems but I'm not getting anywhere. I tried to ask her about her day or how she was feeling but she just blew it off and started asking questions and trying to reassure me. For some reason, THAT was bothering me more than the fact I hadn't talked to her in like... four days and the only way I could get her to was to ask her if I did something wrong.

I still feel like I did.
I still feel like I'm still doing something wrong.

I try to talk to her, but she said she hasn't been using her phone lately and I feel like its a complete and utter lie. The fact we live so far apart makes me the most insecure person in the world. The face that I can't see her say it makes it hard for me to trust her even though she said she wants me to.

I'm fully confident she is who she says she is because of various things but I still can't. Part of it is because she said she won't leave me, and that she won't forget about me, but every time she has a love interest its like I don't exist anymore. She starts talking about him all the time, and she'll tell me shes busy but then post about how awesome of a day she had with said love interest.

I can't say anything either because I live here. It would be like me telling her to fuck her social life and continue to sit inside all day.

She says shes happy and it makes me glad but at the same time I want some sort of attention.

And you know what's going through my mind right now?

I'm telling myself that I need to get over it because I'm just from the internet. I'm telling myself I live 700 miles away and that what I say won't ever amount to what her real-life friends say.

I'm telling myself I'm useless and that I'll only be needed when she doesn't have them. I'm telling myself I'm a second choice and a last resort. I'm telling myself I need to take a back seat and stop acting like I can do everything.


I hate these feelings. I hate them so fucking much but I don't feel like there's a way for me to forget them.

If I told these to her she would probably tell me I'm okay and that I'm her best friend and that she loves me and I've done so much for her.

I want to accept that and just take it while I can but I can't. My mind won't let me because I can't even trust the people I know in real life. I can't trust my own parents or my mom or dad. I don't know why. I just want to so I can feel at peace again, whether they are trustworthy or not. I just want to be happy again or at least content with the way things are but its like.. physically impossible.

I hate feeling this way. Words can't even describe how much I hate. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be someone normal and functional.